2019-09-01 Cosmopolitan South Africa

Whilearousal isn’t as

visiblein women as it is

in men,emotional she-

reactionscaused by

increasedblood flow

to thegenitals are defs

a thingtoo. In fact,

womenmay experience

emotional boners more

oftenthan men, since

‘thebiggest sex organ,

especially for women,

is thebrain,’ says Holly

Richmond. This makes

sexualarousal in

femalesmuch

moreclosely tied

to feelsthan, say,

visualstimulation.

Formanywomen,

beingsecure, safe

andhappy within their

relationship can rev

uptheirhorniness.

Ye a h , w o m e n

get them too

As Amber*, 20,

explains: ‘When my

partner gets upset over

an issue between us, to

me, he’s showing how

much he cares, and it

turns me on.’

Lady boners can feel

so good that they can

even rival sex itself.

Alley, 28, recalls

feeling something

similar to ‘the

aftereffects of a really

good orgasm’ when

her boyfriend proposed

to her. ‘I felt very dazed

• like my brain kind of
  exploded a little bit –
  for about three hours
  until I finally started to
  come off the high.’ An
  emotional orgasm?
  Now that’s deep.

en may

not have

periods or

labour pains,

but there is one unfair thing that

comes with the territory of being

biologically male: unexpected

erections. The inconvenient

boner coaxed by a buxom

model on a pasta-sauce jar is

a punch line in practically every

coming-of-age movie. But deep

in the subcategories of stiffies –

somewhere between morning

wood and immediate hard-ons

for foreign accents – lies a very

special thing called an emotional

boner. True to its name, the

emotional boner is spurred by

feelings, just not sexual ones. Matt,

30, says he got one when the

subject of getting hitched came

up with his then-new(ish) girlfriend.

‘We weren’t having a serious

talk about it, but I got an erection

just at the thought of marriage,’

Matt recalls.

On the other end of the

spectrum, an emo boner can

pop up when a guy sees that his

significant other is upset. Carlos,

25, got one when his partner was

particularly heated while talking

about stress at work. And Tom*,

27, experienced his first one when

his high-school partner at the time

broke up with him, then took it

back moments later. ‘I felt sad but

also happy because I didn’t want

to break up,’ says Tom. ‘I was self-

conscious because I didn’t want it

to look like I was trying to have sex

after almost being broken up with.’

Sure, we expect erections to

happen as a response to any kind

of sensory input that is remotely

sexual – be it a sight, sound, touch,

taste or even the smell of perfume,

saysDrDavidShusterman,a

urologistat NYUrology.‘If a man

hasa prioreroticmemoryattached

to heels,forinstance,hecanget

anemotionalresponsejustfromthe

sightof themtoo,’hesays.Even

a whiffof sexat aninappropriate

timemakessomekindof sense.

(Likeseeingyounakedwhen

youtwoarein themiddleof

a fight– yes,mostmenarejust

thatvisuallyoriented.)

Buttheexplanationfor

sentimentalbonersis waymurkier.

‘There’snoperceivedsexual

stimuli,’saysHollyRichmond,a

somaticpsychologistandcertified

sextherapist,‘butthatdoesn’t

meanthereisn’ta subconscious

one.’A primeexample:gettingan

enthusiastic‘Yes!’to a marriage

proposalcanignitetheautonomic

nervoussystem– thepartof the

brainthatcontrolsbodilyfunctions

likebreathingand,youguessed

it, gettinghard.It’swhymencan

alsoexperience‘fearboners’.

‘Whetherit’sgoodor not-so-

goodexcitement,thebodyhas

a response,’explainsRichmond.

Certaineventscanalsotrigger

primalfeelings,whichmay

inadvertentlylifthispenis’sspirits.

Seeingyoucrycouldmakehim

wantto protectyou,whichcan

sparka senseof virility.It doesn’t

alwaysmeanhewantsto havesex

• it’sjusta (ratherobvious)result
  of hisstrongfeelings.
  Rachel*,25,recallsherlong-
  distanceboyfriendgettinga boner
  justbeforehehadto leaveher
  again.‘WhenI askedwhereit
  camefrom,hesaid,“I don’tknow,
  I justloveyou,”’sherecalls.

Accordingtoa small

COSMOsurvey,52%of

menhaveexperiencedan

emotionalerectionbefore.

m

If your dude gets sprung when

the mood definitely isn’t steamy,

try to think of it as a hard-on from

the heart. But if his Ron Burgundy-

esque ‘pleat in the pants’ moment

is weirding you out, Richmond

advises talking about it, because

chances are, the explanation will

be sweet. Or make it an inside

joke, like Christian, 25, and his

girlfriend do about his ill-timed

erections. ‘We’ve turned it into a

routine,’ Christian says. ‘She asks,

“Are my tears making you hard

again?” And I say, “It’s not what it

looks like!”’ Actually, when you put

emotional boners into perspective,

they can be a sign that your

relationship is only going up.

LOVE

101

COSMOPOLITAN.CO.ZA | SEPTEMBER 2019