inconsiderate or doesn’t love you enough? Nope. It’s because
he’s still just a guy, and the same one you fell in love with—not
some new engaged version of himself.
In 20 years of helping couples create great partnerships,
I’ve seen the illusion of the Instant Upgrade undermine the most
loving, well-matched, and well-meaning pairs, just like Lee
and Brooke—who, with some coaching, realized their mistake
before the wedding. (Brooke even said in her vows, “I do not
promise to cook, but you will be fed.”) But you want to nip these
issues in the bud, because the Upgrade my th can pop up at ever y
major turning point—see: the Instant Spouse, Homeowner,
and Parent upgrades. Follow these steps to bypass the danger.1 UNCOVER YOUR HIDDEN EXPECTATIONS. Whether they’re for
your partner or yourself, you probably won’t know what they
are until they’re not being met. To uproot yours, finish these
sentences—and feel free to list more than one for each slot.
Now that we’re engaged...
I should^
He should^
We shou ld^
It can be as simple as “I should be happy all the time” or
“He should attend all of my family’s functions.” After you’ve
written your answers, begin again, using your other hand.
It may feel strange, but you’ll be surprised how many deeply
hidden truths this trick will uncover.2 START SORTING THE FACTS FROM THE FANTASY. Divide your
expectations into the following categories:
A I truly need this.
B It would make me happy.
C It’s a small thing that makes a big difference.
D What the heck is that?
Then, if it’s an expectation you have for yourself and it falls into
categories A–C (ditch the Ds), take steps to make it happen. Get
up earlier so you can eat breakfast together ever y day. Set a sav-
ings goal so you can have the all-peony centerpieces you love.
As for your expectations of him, look at them through the
lens of evolutionar y psycholog y. Men are natural protectors and
providers, and they want to give you what matters to you—
again, as long as it falls into one of the first three categories. If
it doesn’t, or if it runs counter to his values or needs or threatens
his career, financial security, dreams, or foundational rela-
tionships, he won’t fulfill it. Likewise, any thing you think you
should have just because someone else does—things that
tend to fall into categor y D—won’t be worth his time, money,
or energ y. So suss those out and let them go.3 FORMULATE YOUR “GREAT ASKS.” For your fiancé to accept a
new task, behavior, or accountability, your request should include:- A simple statement of what you want. (For example, “I
need you to weigh in more on wedding-planning details.”) - What that would look like, with specifics. (“A weekly
check-in to discuss progress. And your commitment to
attend vendor meetings where I need a second opinion.”) - What that would provide you. (“I would feel like I have
a partner in the planning and in life.”)
Once you’ve determined your asks, prioritize them. Most men
like to move from success to success, and he needs the chance
to implement your requests one at a time.4 ASK FOR A TIME TO TALK. Most people can’t pay close
attention when they’re driving, transitioning home from work,
or already focused on something else. In a quiet moment,
say, “Could we set up a time to talk about something I need?”
Make sure your tone is friendly and you’re relaxed; if you’re
amped up, he’ll think he’s in trouble. And overestimate the
time you need to talk, because he’ll get antsy if you run
long and you’ll misinterpret it as his not being interested.5 MAKE YOUR ASKS. When the
time arrives to deliver your
first Great Ask, start by thank-
ing him for hearing you out.
Then go for it—slowly, clearly,
and pausing from time to
time to see if he has questions.
If you feel embarrassed, you
can tell him you’re learning to
ask for what you need and you
want it to work for him. But tr y to be direct, because ever yone
appreciates a partner who asks for what she really needs.
Remember, this is about making your relationship better, so
there’s something in it for him too!6 HELP HIM HELP YOU. After you’ve told him what you want,
what it would look like, and what it would provide you, ask:
“Is there any thing you need in order to give me what I’m asking
for?” Then put the invisible duct tape over your mouth and
let him think. If he takes awhile to figure it out, that’s good! While
he’s thinking, let go of ever y thing you think he might come up
with. (In more than 20 years, I have never accurately predicted
what my husband will need for any request, large or small.)
Once he’s given you his answer, think: “Is there any thing
I need so he can fulfill my Great Ask?” This may sound compli-
cated, but it’s how you cover all the bases and make sure
your hopes turn into reality.7 SHOW APPRECIATION. Once you see him making an effort,
be grateful! Even when it’s not perfect. Even when it’s not
completely finished. Appreciation is the juice that fuels people
to tr y new things instead of sticking to old habits. That means
taking his effort personally, because he’s tr ying for you, and
saying “thank you” for his commitment and the difference
he’s making in your life together.
Then it’s time to pat yourself on the back. It’s not easy to
ask for what you need. Way to be thoughtful and communicative
as you navigate this new world!Alison A. Armstrong, author of The Queen’s Code, has helped millions
of women and men learn to communicate better. For more information,
visit understandingmen.com.YOU PROBABLY
WON’T KNOW
WHAT YOUR
EXPECTATIONS
ARE UNTIL
THEY’RE NOT
BEING MET.
NEXT ISSUE! Have you really, truly committed? Alison examines the
JOEL STANS/EXPOSURE NY, STYLING BY SONIA RENTSCH/APOSTROPHE difference between the way men and women commit.
BRIDES.COM FEBRUARY/MARCH 2015 473