The Guardian - 31.08.2019

Sat urday 31 Aug ust 2019 The Guardian •

National^31

Lucy Mangan’s

Digested week

After six long weeks of

unrelieved parenting,

we’re on our knees

Monday

Bank holiday! During our summer

holiday! During the school summer

holidays! Theoretically, this should

be a triple whammy of delight, no?

I pause for the hollow laughter

of a hundred thousand parents

who know where I’m going with

this. Because no , you have no

holidays that are worthy of the

name after having a child – even

if you keep it to the singular, as I

have, and don’t go popping out

more ruinous infants thereafter.

Much like sex, you keep trying

for a few years – until the weight

of resentment of the fact that

nothing is like it was before breaks

you and you begin to acclimatise

yourself to the new reality. A wise

friend of mine advised me to start

measuring it against a work trip

instead: “Then it becomes quite

enjoyable.” She was actually

talking about sex, but it applies

equally well to holidays.

A bank holiday at the end of

a holiday simply compounds

the injury. T o have both come at

the end of the summer holidays

when, after six straight weeks of

unrelieved parenting, you are both

on bleeding knees, crawling your

way towards term-time freedom,

is merely the fi nal insult. Triple

whammy indeed.

Tuesday

Home to host another set of

removal men. That is my job now.

They come round, look aghast at

our home, refuse to give a quote

and leave. The problem seems to

be the 11,000 books lining our walls

in 22 double-stacked bookcases.

“It’s a problem,” said the fi rst

surveyor of our plight.

“I know,” I said.

“It’s a real problem,” said the

second.

“I know,” I said.

“I think it’s going to be a

problem,” said the third.

“It is,” I said.

“Real problem here,” said the

fourth.

“So I understand,” I said. “Do you

think you might be able to fi nd a

solution?”

“No,” he said. “It’s a problem.”

“We’re not asking you to solve

it for free,” I said to the fi fth. “You

know that, right? We understand it’s

a big job. We are prepared to pay.”

“It’s a problem,” he said, and left.

But, sixth time lucky. We fi nally

have a quote. And we have looked

at the fi gure and decided to build

an extension for the books and stay

here. No problem.

Wednesday

The Queen has assented to the

prorogation of parliament. I know

she’s obliged to – constitutional

monarch and all that. But come on,

your majesty! You’ve had 90 years

of doing the right thing and good for

you, but now’s the time to blow your

brownie points, you know?

Yes, you’re the fulcrum upon

which an impossibly delicately

cantilevered accretion of checks

and balances rests – so just think

what fun it would be if you blew the

whole thing sky-high! It’s not as if

there are many people left who are

playing by the rules. This is your

moment, Liz!

Summon a footman. Tell him

to tell Boris you’ve changed your

mind. Handbag-sandbag him. Go

“Fark you, De Pfeff el” and then

swan off to enjoy yourself at the

races. A lifetime of dutiful service to

Britain and the Commonwealth and

where has it got you? Standing as

the nominal head of a country that’s

the laughing stock of the world.

Put the national salvage rights on

the steeplechase at Newmarket or

something and laugh yourself daft

at the thought of No 10 in meltdown.

Let your cackling ring from Land’s

End to John o’Groat s. I promise you,

it will feel great.

Thursday

A divorce lawyer friend of mine

is being brought to the edge of

a nervous breakdown by the

increasing number of “pet-nups”

crossing her desk; the agreements

covering who gets custody of a

couple’s cat/dog/terrapin in the

event of an acrimonious break up.

“I can’t decide if it’s the peak

of civilisation or a sign – another

sign – of the end of days,” she cried,

clutching her hair and burying her

face in a giant glass of Chateau This

Might Help.

It did help. During some well-

lubricated discussion, we weighed

the relative merits of people wishing

to do the best by their pets versus

very rarely making such detailed

provision for any future or present

children. We delved into the

psychical depths of how humanity

at once can prepare for the worst,

hope for the best and at neither

point trust each other to do the

best by the dependents they have

created or brought into the familial

fold, without the wet-nosed, limpid-

eyed, wholly innocent creature

• fur-clad or no – having any say in

the matter whatsoever. W e decided

that it was another one to add to the

end of days pile. And moved on to

whisky. Because that always helps.

Friday

But lo! A new day dawns and a new

weekend looms and some good

news rises to greet us. The Cerne

Abbas giant, owner of Dorset’s fi nest

phallus (as far as I’m aware – please

feel free not to send me any pictorial

or descriptive evidence otherwise),

has been fully restored to glory.

Eleven years after he was last

spruced up, National Trust rangers,

archaeology experts and an army

of volunteers have reset his edges,

dug out the weathered rocks and

rechalked him but good.

People’s hard work and devotion

to such causes always makes the

heart sing, but now more than ever

there is something tremendously

moving about people banding

together to ensure that a fi gure

certainly centuries and possibly

thousands of years old, whose

origins are lost in the mists of time,

will continue to endure, and in as

fi ne fettle as they can make him.

As Larkin wrote , what will survive

of us is love. And an enormous cock

and balls carved for perhaps no

reason at all on a hillside.

There is

something

peculiarly

comforting in

knowing that

Britain is even

slightly crap

at making

papier-mache

heads

Despite all

appearances,

our last and

best hope

PHOTOGRAPHS:

WILL OLIVER/EPA;

BEN CAWTHRA/LNP

Councils want

power to fi ne

lorry drivers for

blocking roads

PA Media

Councils have called for more powers
to tackle lorries and trucks causing
“havoc and mayhem” in towns and
villages in England.
The Local Government Association
(LGA) highlighted a spate of incidents
in recent months involving heavy
goods vehicles that have crashed into
bridges or blocked streets after driving
on routes unsuitable for their size or

weight. Many incidents involve driv-

ers being misdirected by their satnavs.

Recent examples of the chaos

caused by lorries include:

• A bridge under Middlesbrough rail-
  way station was struck four times in a
  few weeks this year.


• Police in Ilminster, Somerset, issued
  warnings to HGV drivers after reports
  of weight limits being exceeded.


• Residents in Goudhurst, Kent, called
  for action after lorries blocked the
  same road twice in two days in March.
  The LGA wants all local authorities
  to be able to issue fi nes to lorry drivers

who ignore road restrictions. In Eng-

land, these powers are currently only

available to councils in London.

Those wanting to tackle HGVs

being driven on inappropriate routes

outside the capital are limited to meas-

ures such as organising lorry watch

schemes and communicating with

freight and haulage companies.

An LGA transport spokesman, Mar-

tin Tett, said: “The spate of accidents

we have seen involving lorries block-

ing streets, damaging local areas and

crashing into bridges on an all-too reg-

ular basis shows that action needs to

be taken by government in the upcom-

ing spending round.

“With powers to enforce moving

traffi c violations also given to coun-

cils outside of London and Wales,

they could act to prevent disruption

by the minority of rogue lorry drivers

that incorrectly use weight restricted

roads through towns and villages and

cause havoc on our local roads.”

PA Media

London is to get 10 m more landline

numbers this year to meet demand

from new homes and offi ces.

Ofcom announced yesterday that it

was introducing a new (020)4 number

range for the capital.

The city has 30m numbers across

the (020)3, 7 and 8 ranges , but there

are fewer than a million left to be given

out. The regulator said these would be

used up within a year as it distribute d

30,000 London numbers each week.

It will start accepting applications

for (020)4 numbers from telecoms

companies from October and expects

the numbers to start being allocated

to customers from December.

Liz Greenberg, head of numbering

at Ofcom, added: “We’re seeing grow-

ing need for 020 numbers, as London

expands and new homes and offi ces

are built. These 10 m new numbers will

allow us to meet demand .”

UK customers still spend 44bn

minutes making landline calls every

year, Ofcom said. Although usage is

declining, most home broadband con-

nections rely on a landline.

In 1958 London was allocated the

code 01, which was replaced in 1990 by

071 for inner London and 081 for outer

London. Five years later, all UK area

codes gained a “1” after the “0” and

the capital’s codes changed to 0171 and

0181, it added. In 2000, the UK’s num-

bers were reorganised and London was

given a single area code of 020.

New (020)4 range

announced for

London landlines as

numbers run short

‘Lorries damage local

areas on an all-too

regular basis’

Martin Tett

Councils’ spokesman

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