It might not feel that way
at the time, but a good
row can have a positive
effect – if you stick to
a few basic rules...
A
n argument that has gone
too far can feel like hell. One
of you makes what seems
like a fairly innocuous
comment: ‘On the phone again?’ or
‘What do you mean, you forgot?’ Then,
before you know it, you’re in a full-
scale showdown. There may or may
not be shouting, tears, eye rolling or
passive aggressive, snippy comments.
You can feel your anxiety levels and
blood pressure rocket. Things are
getting heated – or chillingly frosty –
yet, you’re no closer to reaching a truce.
‘If you’ve got a good strong relationship
with someone, whether it be a partner,
sibling, friend or a work colleague, the
occasional argument can be a good
thing,’ says clinical psychologist Dr
Michael Drayton. ‘In a healthy relationship,
arguments enable people to learn from
each other. Once you’ve both had a
chance to calm down and reflect, an
argument can give you a better insight
into how someone thinks or feels.’
‘Not all arguments are constructive
though,’ says Dr Drayton.
‘There are a few golden
rules and if you break
them, that’s when things
get toxic. It’s fair play
to criticise someone’s
behaviour or disagree
with their opinion. But,
it’s not alright to attack
someone on a personal
level – “no wonder you’re such a loser”.
Once you start going down that rabbit
hole, things never end well.’
‘There’s some interesting research
by psychologist Dr John Gottman that
shows there is a magic relationship ratio
of 1:5,’ explains Dr Drayton.
‘In a healthy relationship, for
every negative interaction,
there are also at least five
positive interactions, such
as showing appreciation,
interest, affection and
empathy. This can also be
applied to friendships. We
all have good and bad sides.
So, even if you have the odd argument, as
long as the good bits outweigh the bad,
that’s the mark of a solid relationship.’The good ARG
‘We all have our own different ideas,
views and experiences,’ says consultant
clinical psychologist Dr Claudia Herbert.
‘So, it’s practically unavoidable to have
arguments at times. Having different
opinions is what makes us grow. A good
argument can help you to see things from
a different perspective. But, it’s how you
express your opinion that counts. There
needs to be respect. It’s also very
important to have personal boundaries.’
‘It’s one thing to have an argument
where you strongly disagree,’ adds
Dr Herbert. ‘But, if someone is being
forceful, aggressive or intimidating,
you’ve got every right to walk away.‘You’ve got
every right
to walk
away’