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TYHow to have a healthy argument
Next time things get fiery, remember these rules...We all have a “window of tolerance”.
This is a term used by psychologists to
describe the zone of arousal in which
you can feel your emotions and bodily
sensations, but still feel centred. But,
once someone pushes you beyond
your window of tolerance, perhaps by
being bullying, forceful and abusive, you
may either go into hyperarousal – a
highly stressed fight or flight response- or hypoarousal, where you just freeze
and feel numb. If you find yourself going
into either state, you start to get out of
your comfort zone. You’re no longer
able to process or deal with the situation
and your best tactic is to take time out.’
UMENT guide
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
ACHIEVE?
‘If someone upsets you, don’t respond
with a knee-jerk reaction,’ says Dr
Drayton. ‘Consider exactly why you
feel so angry or hard done by. For
example, you might say “you’re always
on the phone”, but what you mean is you
want them to pay you more attention.
That opens up a new conversation,
rather than just arguing about how
your partner is always on the phone.’ TAKE TIME OUT
‘In one study, people were instructed
to take a break from an argument. When
they came back, in 85% of cases, they
found a resolution,’ says Dr Drayton.
‘The time out gave them time to reflect
and reconsider. Meanwhile, those who
carried on arguing failed to resolve
things in 85% of cases.’ ASK WHY THEY FEEL
A CERTAIN WAY
‘Ask them to explain their opinion in
more detail,’ says Dr Drayton. ‘This is
a useful negotiation tactic – it takes the
emotion out of the situation and allows
them to feel they are being heard.
Hopefully, in turn they’ll reciprocate.’ DON’T TRY TO CHANGE
SOMEONE
‘No one has the right to dictate how
other people behave or think,’ says
Professor Macaskill. ‘So, if you’re
having an argument, it’s important to
remember all you can do is negotiate.
It’s very easy to say hurtful things, but
you can’t un-say them. The main thing
to try and treat people the same way
you would like them to treat you.’ TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR
YOUR OWN EMOTIONS
You might feel angry with someone- but, it’s down to you to choose your
emotional state,’ says Professor Ann
Macaskill at Sheffield Hallam University.
‘Remember, you’re only ever one
thought from feeling differently.’
REALLY LISTEN
‘Try and put yourself in their shoes,’ says
Dr Drayton. ‘Most people, when they’re
in the middle of an argument, stop
listening. You’ve got two parties where
no one is hearing what the other is
saying. Sometimes when you show you
understand where someone is coming
from, this helps to create a shift.’ BE AWARE OF YOUR OWN
NON-VERBAL SIGNALS
‘If you’re angry with someone, even if
you seem calm on the surface, you’ll
still be giving off non-verbal signals that
you’re angry or resentful,’ explains Dr
Herbert. The other person will pick up
on these signals. ‘It helps to stay as
calm as you can. If you can’t, be honest
and tell them you that you feel upset and
need some space to think. Sometimes
people trigger emotions in us that are
nothing to do with the actual situation.
If that’s the case, just explain that this
argument has brought stuff up for you,
but it’s actually not to do with them.’ BE QUICK TO APOLOGISE
‘If you feel you’ve upset someone
during an argument, do apologise, and
do it quickly,’ says Professor Macaskill.
‘Sometimes, all someone wants is an
apology and by doing so, and meaning
it, it makes it easier to move on.’