Daily Mirror - 30.07.2019

(Tuis.) #1

mirror.co.uk TUESDAY 30.07.2019 DAILY MIRROR^17


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BOOK REVIEW OF THE WEEK
“I wish I hadn’t read it so that I could
read it for the first time again. But
still, looking forward to rereading it.”
Nigella Lawson

NAME: Figgie
APPEARANCE:
Cow-esque
SPECIAL SKILLS:
Eccentric Figgie is
something of a local
celebrity, not least
because he has
appointed himself head
of the neighbourhood
watch committee. And
so he climbs up to this
entirely non-ridiculous
vantage point, and sits there all day, keeping an eye on
all the comings and goings. Any plants that were ever
hoping to grow there, RIP.
If the feline in your life is good – or socially conscious


INSIDE JOB OF THE WEEK
“I thought success would
bring me happiness – f***
me, was I wrong.”
Professor Green

LIFE IS TOUGH


OF THE WEEK
“Earlier this month, I had Chef
Sara come over and cook for
us. I was telling her that I’m on
Keto so she made Keto-
friendly cauliflower pizza
crust and cheesecake – both
were delicious. They aren’t
dairy-free, but sometimes
you have to pick your
battles.”
Kourtney Kardashian

CAT OF THE WEEK


Warning: may contain sarcasm... and cats


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POLLY HUDSON


POLLYOMETER


Life rules to avoid


having a Ja-cob on


JACOB Rees-Mogg has set
some rules that must be obeyed
by everyone in his office.
He’s banned the word “hopefully”


  • Tories always take away hope –
    and demanded that there be a
    double space after full stops.
    Monster. He also won’t let people
    use a comma after the word “and”,
    and I believe that is outrageous.
    He has got one thing right though.
    A list of deal-breakers that you can
    furnish your associates with is an
    excellent idea. That way no one can
    say they didn’t know, can they?
    Mine is obviously far, far too
    long to fit in here, but this is how
    it begins...
    ■ If you walk past someone carrying
    a bunch of flowers, always resist the
    urge to ask if they are for you.
    ■ If you walk past someone you
    know on a bike, always resist the
    urge to point in the opposite
    direction and say, “The Tour de


France is that way!”
■ If you walk past
someone washing
their car, always
resist the urge to
say, “Mine next
please!”
■ Know the differ-
ence between your
and you’re. I beg of you. For the
good of us all. No one should have
to see that.
■ If you think the saying is, “You’ve
got another thing coming”,
you’ve got another think
coming. Oh yes you have. OH
YES YOU HAVE.
■ Don’t say, “And
then I turned
around and said...”
unless you really
did turn around.
Which you didn’t.
No one ever does.
Only possibly
admissible if you
were having a diffi-
cult conversation in
the car while navi-
gating a round-
about, and even then...
thin ice.
■ Don’t say, “I’m not being
funny, but” at the start
of sentences.

History has shown that anyone who
has the urge to say this phrase defi-
nitely doesn’t need to, because they
have never been funny in their lives.
■ Don’t say, “Do you know what I
mean?” in between sentences.
History has shown that anyone who
has the urge to say this phrase
definitely doesn’t need to, because
they have never expressed a compli-
cated idea in their lives.
■ Know what nonplussed
means. The dictionary defini-
tion is “so surprised and
confused that one is unsure
how to react”. And you are
probably nonplussed now,
hearing that – because you
thought it meant not bothered.
NOT BOTHERED IS THE
EXACT OPPOSITE OF
WHAT IT MEANS. Everyone uses
it wrongly though, so the opposite
meaning has now kind of
become the meaning – we’re all
wrong, so let’s just make wrong
right seems a dangerous precedent
to set, no?
■ Only say literally if you literally
mean it.
■ Don’t say, “I could care less”. Not
because it’s rude – because it’s
wrong. You mean you couldn’t care
less. Tsk.
■ Don’t say PIN number. PIN stands
for Personal Identification Number,
so you’re saying Personal Identifica-
tion Number number.
■ Never say, “Just saying”. I know
you are. I can hear you. Just hearing.
■ Don’t ring when you can text.
■ When you sneeze, never, ever say,
“Bless me”.
■ Never say, “Let me be clear”. For
so many reasons, but none more
convincing than this – David
Cameron started it.

WORK TO RULE Rees-Mogg

‘‘Know the
difference
between your
and you’re, I
beg of you

Going up...


I tawt I saw a puddy tat
Twitter feed Is There A Cat
In This Movie? answers
the most important
question in the history of
cinema, often with
photographic or video
evidence. Could also have
been called Is This Film
Worth Watching Or Not?
Knocker blocker story
There
probably
used to be
loads of
people who
needed this
sweat-proof
bra liner but
were too
repulsed by the idea of
sweat-proof bra liners
even existing to buy one.
Guessing last Thursday
sorted that issue out once
and for all. Ugh. But yes.
But ugh.

Going down
Heart to see zit
Proof that smoking must
still be allowed in some
business meetings – this is
an acne patch, which you
place on individual spots
to get rid of them. But
rather than being skin-
coloured, ie discreet –
these are bright yellow
and star or heart-shaped.
So you can make a feature
of your acne patch. Far
out.

Mr Burns
This heatwave is just the
gift that keeps on
giving. First sweat-
soaked underwear
(see above) and now
arty melanomas.
Sunburn tattoos –
the literal mark of
an idiot.

BRIT NOT ABROAD OF THE WEEK
“I know it’s hot but I just met a man in a
corner shop who was just in swimming
trunks. No shoes, no top, just trunks,
enjoying the Hackney Riviera.”
Nick Grimshaw

BUSY BOY OF THE WEEK
“Why can’t I make myself
exercise and have a
great body, yet I can
always find the time
to watch old Birds Of
A Feather and
Keeping Up
Appearances?!?”
Rylan
Clark-Neal

and details

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“Why can’t I make myself
exercise and have a
great body, yet I can
always find the time
to watch old Birds Of
A Feather and
Keeping Up
Appearances?!?”
Rylan
Clark-Neal
Free download pdf