FEATURES YBJULY & AUGUST 2019 | 15AMONG THE to-do lists, earning
a living and keeping everyone fed and
happy, it’s easy to lose sight of what is
meaningful to you.
What makes your life richer, and what
really doesn’t? Of course, it varies from
person to person and family to family,
but most of us would agree it has social,
emotional and “spiritual” (although not
necessarily religious) elements.
A rich life is varied, interesting and
creative. It encompasses a sense of fun
and celebration. We would hope for
good health and a sense of purpose, of
making a difference.
When we live more consciously, our
children benefit, because we show them
what a fulfilling life looks like. The old
saying “children don’t necessarily do
what you say, but they will definitely do
what you do” is resoundingly true.
CONNECTION MAKES US HAPPY
An 80-year-long Harvard study –
the longest and most comprehensive
study of human well-being ever
undertaken – reached a simple
conclusion: “Good relationships keep
us healthier and happier.”
A sense of belonging, of feeling
understood, affirmed and appreciated in
a family and a community, brings
a contentment that no material
possession can.
Nurturing your primary relationships
- with your partner, your children, your
extended family and close friends – as
well as your connections with your
wider community, will go a long way to
creating a rich and happy life.
For new parents, specially first-timers,
parenthood can be a lonely space.
The responsibility, the uncertainty
and the relentless caregiving can feel
overwhelming, particularly if you lack
support and company.
A community of like-minded parents
can be a life-saver. It’s hard to reach
out, but don’t be shy – in all likelihood,
they are in the same boat and will be
delighted at the approach. Everyone
wins, the babies too.
When children see you tend lovingly
to your relationships, your children
learn the importance of building and
cherishing relationships.
The social and emotional skills
you’re modelling – empathy, kindness,
generosity, being able to apologise, to give
a compliment – will stand them in very
good stead for a happy, connected life.
RELISH YOUR RITUALS
When we think back on our own
childhoods, the memories that are most
powerful and meaningful are often the
rituals that were special to our families,
that brought us together and “made us,
us”. Rituals bring depth and connection
to family life, and children love them.
When it comes to introducing children
to family rituals, take time to explain
where the meaning lies. Birthdays aren’t
just about cake and presents; we are
celebrating the life of someone we love
and being grateful for their presence.
Psychologist Ruth Ancer advocates
small daily rituals that create space for
connection and practises this in her
own parenting.
“When you lie with your child before
they go to bed, it’s a way to be physically
close and to talk about things. Rituals
like reading or going for a walk together
can also make that space,” Ruth says.TAKE CARE
You know when the flight attendant
says: “Put the oxygen mask on yourself
before helping children”?
The same principle applies to the rest
of life. Self-sacrifice is an integral part of
parenting, but martyrdom shouldn’t be.
Self-care is not selfishness. It’s about
treating yourself kindly. When you
make time to do the things that nourish
you – reading a book on the sofa on
Sunday afternoon, or practising yoga, or
just taking a morning walk with a friend- you become a stronger, healthier,
happier person and parent.
THE SOCIAL AND
EMOTIONAL
SKILLS YOU
MODEL WILL
STAND THEM
IN VERY GOOD
STEAD FOR
A HAPPY,
CONNECTED LIFE
Many of us have schedules that are
completely over-loaded. Yes, some of
it has to be done, but we also take on
unnecessary stress. It’s lovely to make
an effort for a birthday party, but do you
need to stay up all night creating
a Pinterest-worthy spectacle? It’s helpful
to ask, “Why am I doing this? Does it
add meaning or happiness? What if
I don’t do it?”
As always, you are modelling
behaviour every step of the way. When
your child sees you look after yourself,
she learns that you are worthy of your
own love and care. And she is too.THINK ABOUT YOUR VALUES
Your values are what you believe to be
right and wrong. Living in harmony
with your values contributes to a sense
of well-being.
Children come into the world with no
such notions – we teach them.
Ruth says: “You show your child
what you hold dear by the way you act
and what you expose them to. If you
think reading is important, you will
read to you children, and take them to
the library. What you find meaningful,
the way you live, what you spend your
money on, the words you use, the way
you treat your children and other people
in your life, forms a basis for what they
value. At the same time, understand that
you do not have overall control. All you
can do is model the behaviour and have
the conversations.”EXPRESS GRATITUDE
One way to instil a sense of abundance
and to guard against entitlement is to
be aware of your good fortune. Some
people keep gratitude journals, and
some families share “what I’m grateful
for” over the supper table.
Increasingly, there’s science to back up
this practice. Many studies have found
that people who consciously count their
blessings are happier and less depressed.
Young children have no benchmark
on what’s “normal”. If they have a warm
bed and enough to eat and a loving
family and a cupboard full of clothes,
well, for all they know, that’s how
everyone lives. This doesn’t mean they
are spoilt brats; it just means that they
don’t know different.
When you express appreciation for
your life – your social and emotional
blessings, as well as your material ones,
they learn to notice that you and them