BOUNDARIES
22 | JULY & AUGUST 2019
Image: Gallo Images/Getty ImagesFOR TWO PEOPLE who once thought
that their promises of forever meant just
that, divorce can be one of the ugliest
concepts to comprehend – even more so
when there are children involved.
The very nature of the word denotes
a rupture, a breakdown, something
that went wrong. It’s a trauma that can
trigger a primitive fear of abandonment,
anxiety, anger and sadness for all
involved, as well as a loss that each
member of a family unit will grieve in
their own individual way.
There’s no easy way for you to get
HANDLING
POST-DIVORCE
your children through this unscathed.
You can, however, implement certain
guidelines to ensure that your children
come out the other side feeling loved,
secure and at peace with the notion that
their family unit will no longer be what it
once was, and knowing that that’s okay.TALK (AND LISTEN!) TO
YOUR CHILDREN
Your first port of call is to communicate
to your children in a clear and concise
manner that you are getting a divorce.
It’s important for both parents to be
present at this initial conversation, says
Bertus Preller, a divorce lawyer and
family-law specialist based in Cape
Town and author of Everyone’s Guide to
Divorce and Separation.
“It sends a clear message to your
children that you are both capable of
working together for their benefit,” says
Bertus, adding that the conversation
needs to reassure children that their
parents are separating from each other,
but not from them. Further, let them
understand that it was an adult decision;It’s hard enough for
a divorcing couple to
come to terms with the
dissolution of the marriage.
But add children into
the mix, and a clean,
straightforward breakup
becomes infinitely harder,
writes Samantha Herbst
children need lots of reassurance that
the divorce is not their fault.”
Depending on the age of your
children, they will want to know details
about how their lives are going to
change, such as where each parent will
be living and how often they will get to
see the departing parent.
Communicate these types of
practical and logistical changes as soon
as possible.
Try to show them where the
departing parent will be living, for
example, so that they are reassured that
the parent hasn’t gone anywhere and
has somewhere safe to stay.
“Be honest about what you know and
what you don’t know. The more detail
you give your children, the better. They
need to know that they will be able to
maintain a quality relationship with
both parents,” Bertus says.
That said, any conversations
leading up to the divorce need to be
age-appropriate.
Parents should be patient with
babies and toddlers, who may