FEATURES YBJULY & AUGUST 2019 | 23THE DO’S AND DON’TS
✓ As a divorced person, you should
stay out of your ex-spouse’s personal
life, just as they should stay out of
yours. It is important for the both of
you not to ask about their plans for
the weekend, dating relationships,
or anything that may be considered
too personal.
✓ You should never go to them for
advice in relationships or in difficult
situations.
✓ You also should never rely on your
ex-spouse for favours. Outside of
alimony and child support, you should
avoid asking your ex-spouse for a loan
or any type of additional favours that
may cause discomfort in your own life.
✓ While you may miss your ex-
spouse’s family, there is a mutual
understanding that in the same way
that two ex-spouses may mourn the
friendship and marriage that they once
shared, their families become another
part of the package that you are
saying goodbye to.
(Info from mensdivorce.com)become otherwise and communicate
nonverbally. Alternatively, toddlers
might ask the same questions
repeatedly, and it’s important to be
patient, consistent and clear with your
answers. Older children might have
more questions, which will need to be
addressed without pitting one parent
against the other or divulging too much
information that they don’t need to be
burdened with.
“Avoid the tendency to assign blame
and try to incorporate the word ‘we’
when you’re explaining your decision to
separate,” Bertus says.
Johannesburg-based educational
psychologist June Manala concurs
with Bertus that parents should be
straightforward with their children
during this time.
She urges them to listen to their
children and allow them to express their
grief and to mourn.
June adds: “Children have a fantastic
capacity for understanding clear,
simple communication in emotionally
laden situations.”
But she says it’s a universal human
reaction for children to protest
a divorce and to act out.
“Children’s pain needs to be validated,
and it’s the parents’ job to reassure them
that they are loved and secure and that
healing will occur over time.”
Don’t forget to inform your children’s
teachers and caregivers about your
divorce to ensure that they remain
empathetic about their behaviour.
Your child’s teacher is a main
attachment figure outside of your home,
and your child might spontaneously
turn to him/her for comfort.
“Some teachers easily notice a child’s
communication of distress and will
soothe appropriately. When necessary,
they will share concerns with the
parents or refer the child for help if there
is school-based support,” June notes.
STICK TO ROUTINE
Where possible, try to keep any other
changes in your children’s life to
a minimum to ensure they maintain
a sense of familiarity and security. For
instance, if you are moving house, try
to keep your child in the same school,
as changing everything at once can be
disruptive and overwhelming. If change
is necessary, prepare them – well in
advance – and explain the changes.
June adds that consistency in agreed
custody arrangements should be
encouraged to build routine, trust
and dependability.
If a parent is not able to fetch their
child from school, or spend the weekend
with them, your child should be
informed ahead of time by the parent
who reneges on the agreement.
“Emergencies happen, but children
understand when parents genuinely
explain and apologise.
“Some custody arrangements are
complicated enough for adults to
comprehend, in which case it is bound
to be confusing for the child too,” she
says. “It’s also important for parents
to maintain similar routines in each
household. Bath- and suppertimes
should be the same at each household
to establish consistency, and parents
should be careful not to undermine
each other when it comes to rule
implementation. For example, if there is
a ‘no sweets’ rule in Mom’s house, this
rule should be respected at Dad’s house
to avoid favouritism,” explains June.ACT APPROPRIATELY
It’s rare for divorce to happen in
isolation. Most couples are dealing with
infidelity, financial difficulties, and loss
of love, among many other potential
contributing factors. You may therefore
be angry or resentful toward your ex-
partner, and you could end up saying
things to or in front of your children that
will upset them. This should be avoided
at all costs.
“Your child is not a sounding board.
The adults’ role in the child’s life is to
minimise conflict and be a soothingsupport system for them,” says June.
She adds that bad mouthing your former
spouse and labeling them in front of
your children makes them feel insecure
and conflicted.
“Avoid alienating a child against
a parent or relatives. They all deserve
a fair chance of growing the relationship
they started.” In fact, speaking about
complex divorce-related issues in
front of your child should be avoided
altogether, as children can become
alarmed at concepts they don’t
understand, such as court, maintenance,
custody and lawyers.
“Limit familial conflict at all costs. It
is one of the most damaging things you
can do to your children,” agrees Bertus,
who emphasises the need for parents to
maintain a healthy post-divorce family.
“Never criticise each other in front of
your children. They see themselves as
extensions of their parents, and so they
will feel like you are criticising them.”LOOK AFTER YOURSELF TOO
While you should seek out professional
assistance for your children – such
as play therapy or parent-infant
psychotherapy – during a divorce, it’s
also not a bad idea for you to do the same.
“Take care of yourself, so you can
take care of your child,” advises
Johannesburg-based educational
psychologist Zaakirah Mohamed. Your
child will pick up on your emotions,
even if you’re trying to hide it. “You
need to process the loss of a relationship
and how you’re feeling about it. You also
need to process how you feel about your
child being away from you when they’re
with your ex,” Zaakirah says.
June, an advocate for babies and
toddlers, warns that babies as young as
four months are highly communicative
and perceive the slightest shifts in
a caregiver’s verbal tone, facial
expression and movement.
“They are therefore immensely
affected by stressful situations, and if
the stress is chronic, it impacts on their
developing neural connections,” she
says, adding that toxic stress can change
a baby’s brain chemistry and their
overall development trajectory. “For
this reason, we have to be intentional
in providing positive relationship
experiences, so that babies and young
children can heal, thrive and face the
future with confidence. Divorce can
provide a much-needed opportunity
for children to learn about relationship
rupture and forgiveness, and this could
bode well for their future.” YB