himself ).- He made devaluing and degrading remarks about her.
- He compared her unfavorably to his “phantom ex,” Ginger.
- He responded to Marsha’s worries and self-doubts in a way
that made her feel worse. - Most important, in all of these actions, he conveyed a strong
message that he was not able to properly take care of
Marsha’s emotional needs.
For more about smoking guns, see chapter 5.
ADMITTING THERE’S A PROBLEM
Many people who live in an avoidant-anxious trap have a hard time
admitting to themselves and others that they are in a bad predicament.
They’ll admit that they’re not completely satisfied with their relationship,
then will qualify it by saying, “But who is? All couples fight, all couples get
upset. How are we different from them?” They talk themselves into
believing that their partner’s behavior is not so bad. Others, like Marsha, are
aware of their dire situation, but can’t take the necessary steps to bail out.
They might make an attempt, but get overwhelmed by the pain associated
with leaving. Then they experience the rebound effect.
THE REBOUND EFFECT
Once you’re convinced that you’ve become the enemy, why is it still so
hard to walk away? First, because it is very painful. As painful as it is to be
mistreated by your partner, severing an attachment bond is even more
excruciating. You may understand rationally that you should leave, but your
emotional brain may not yet be ready to make that move. The emotional
circuits that make up our attachment system evolved to discourage us from
being alone. One way to nudge us back to the safety of our lover’s arms is
to create the sensation of unmistakable pain when we find ourselves alone.