9781529032178

whether he cares enough to listen to your worries, reassure you, and do
whatever it takes to make you feel safe and loved.
Therefore, despite your understandable fear of getting hurt, we advise
you to avoid protest behavior by taking a leap of faith and adopting
effective communication. We can honestly say that everyone we’ve known
who has used effective communication has been grateful for it in the long
run. Often, effective communication brings about huge relief by showing
you just how strongly your partner feels about you—and by strengthening
the bond between you two. And even though in some instances the response
may not be what you hoped for and you’ll be convinced that you’ve ruined
everything—if only you had said or done something else, he would surely
have come around—we’ve never heard anyone say in retrospect that they
regretted raising an important issue in a dating or relationship setting. In
fact, they overwhelmingly express gratitude that effective communication
got them that one step closer to their long-term goal of either finding the
right person or strengthening their existing bond.
Take Hillary, for example. She was planning a romantic walk with Steve
across the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny Saturday morning, but when she
called him he told her that he’d started doing his laundry and would call her
later. Seeing that Hillary was upset, her friend convinced her to call him
back and urge him to finish his laundry after the walk—it was such a
beautiful spring day, after all. Reluctantly, Hillary made the call. Not only
did Steve restate his decision to finish up the laundry, he decided he didn’t
want to get together at all that day! Hillary was devastated. She was furious
with her friend for talking her into calling him. She felt that by showing too
much interest, she’d ruined her chances with Steve. Months later, a mutual
friend told her that Steve was deeply depressed following his bitter divorce
and was far from being interested—or able—to start a new relationship.
Hillary realized that pushing the issue that morning had saved her from the
grief that Steve’s emotional unavailability would have undoubtedly caused
her. At the time, Hillary was very upset with her friend and blamed her for
ruining her chances with Steve, but she later realized that her friend had
taught her one of the most valuable lessons in relationships: how to
effectively communicate her needs. This was the first time that Hillary felt
certain that she fully and genuinely showed up in a relationship—no games
played. Though things didn’t work out with Steve, she knew that she did