her best to make it happen. She also began to discover that more often than
not, the reasons why people behave unkindly toward her have nothing to do
with her attractiveness or desirability.
Here’s another example of how just stating what you want, without any
apologies, can be powerfully effective:
For years, Jena, afraid of sounding desperate, wasn’t up front with the
guys she dated about her great desire to get married and have children.
When she turned 40 and her biological clock took precedence over
everything else, she decided to tell potential partners on date number one
that she not only wanted to be a mother, but was only interested in dating
men who also wanted to have kids as soon as possible. Though she
suspected—and rightly so—that most guys who heard this would run in the
other direction, fear of rejection was no longer Jena’s main concern. She did
drive a few prospects away but ended up meeting Nate, who, far from being
threatened, wanted the same thing. He found it refreshing that she knew
what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to say it. Using effective communication
worked out well for her. Today she and Nate are the happy parents of two.
Like Jena and Hillary, you too can learn how to use effective
communication, even though it can be a scary prospect if you have an
anxious attachment style.
IF YOU ARE AVOIDANT...
Although there is nothing that brings two people closer than understanding
and being understood by each other, effective communication has
something to offer the avoidant person as well. As someone with an
avoidant attachment style, you are often unaware of your need for distance
and separateness—you feel the need to get away but don’t understand why.
When you get that feeling, you may assume that you’re beginning to be less
attracted to your partner, in which case, what is there to talk about? He or
she is probably not “the one,” so why prolong the agony? But then you find
yourself in one failed relationship after another, repeating the same cycle
again and again. If you are avoidant, the first step, therefore, is to
acknowledge your need for space—whether emotional or physical—when