46 newyork| march30–april12, 2020
Sign Up forCouples TherapyBYJANESTARRDRINKARDthanks to tight quarters(and
loomingexistentialdread),couplesare
arguingabouteverythingandnothingat
all.WeaskedNewYork–basedclinicalpsy-
chologist andpsychoanalyst OrnaGural-
niktohelpa fewnavigatesomecommon
disputes.“It’s easytoproject youranxieties
aboutthistimeontoyourpartner,” says
Guralnik.“Fightingbecomesa way toplay
outyourinnerconflict.”
DanielStigall& ElyseLindahl,
Brooklyn
Togetheronemonthandself-isolating
togetheratDaniel’s apartment.
E:YesterdayI madea Googledoclaying
outwhatI needourscheduletolooklike.
D:ButI’mway toolazytoexecuteonit.I’mreluctanttohavethiswrittenplanthat
definesouralonetimeandrecreationtime.
E:We needtohaveourseparatealonetime.Andseparatespaces.I needa work
space.
D:Shecarvedouta nookinthecorner.Elyseiswaymore activityorientedand
motivatedandundaunted.Shedoesn’t
havea momentofdepressedcontempla-
tion,andshe’s draggingmeonrunsevery
day. Thisdocumentpresumesweare not
workingatall.I’mstrugglingtoadjust to
thelevelofsheeractivity.Themoments
whenshegoesout,I’msorelievedtobe
abletoputonsweatpants.That’sanother
rule!Nosweatpantsbefore7 p.m.
E:I followit.
D:I didn’t followit yesterday.We’vehadanexplicitconversationabouthowthese
arenotnormalcircumstances.Whenthis
isover,weneedtohavevery evaluative
conversations.
E:Thebeginningpartsofa relation-ship,whenyou’re stillgettingtoknowthe
otherperson—
D:Are usuallynotexperiencedunder
duress.
➼O.G.’SADVICE:I wouldimagine
they’resufferingsomegrief—they’velost
controlof theearlypartof theircourtshipto
thequarantine.Undernormalcircum-
stances,I wouldadvisethemtorespecteach
other’s differences;however,toget through
thisextremetime,I leantoward the“Google
Calendar”way. Thehumanminddoesnot
respondwelltoambiguity andamorphous-
ness.Createa planandadhere toit obses-
sively,asif it’s a trainschedule.Youdon’t get
tonegotiatewitha train.JamesSabater& Jeannette
Sabater, Staten Island
Married 18 years.JAMES:I workasa doorman.Shewants
metohelpheroutmorearoundthehouse
sinceshe’s theonedoinghomeschooling
withthekids.ButI helpoutasmuchasI
can,youknow?I’mstillworking.
JEANNETTE:I workasa clerk,and
thecourtsare closedsoI’vebeenworking
morescarcely.Therestofthetime,I have
tohelpmyson.He’sautistic.He andmy
daughterstartedschoolyesterdayonline.I
havetositwithandpromptandshowhim
howtodoonlinelearning.It ’s hard. I know
Jamescan’t helpthat hehastoleaveand
gotowork,butit’s stillfrustrating.
JAMES:Andshe’s worriedaboutme
gettingthevirus,butI toldherthey gave
uscleaningproducts.Allthepackages
arebeingleft rightoutsidethedoor, and
weweargloveswhenwepickuppack-
ages.It’smandatory.I wishI couldstay
home,butatthesametime,I amgratefulto be working, to tell you the truth. I’m
still getting paid.
➼ O.G.’S ADVICE: One of the things
couples don’t always realize is that a little
bit can go a long way to having your partner
feel appreciated. If they can agree on letting
James take 30 minutes to clear his head
after work and then have him take care of
the kids, Jeannette would get some of the
help she wants. She’s not going to get hours
of help (he’s still going to have to leave dur-
ing the day), but in condensed form it will
do a lot for the relationship.Danny Scharar and Miranda
Clancy, Brooklyn
Together five years, living together
five months.D: We had our first big blowup yesterday.
I was in a really bad mood ’cause quaran-
tine hit me and all I wanted to do was
have time alone to cook. And Miranda
was like, “I want to help you,” and it
really pissed me off. We were making
tuna melts, and she added more tuna to
my sandwich.
M: At first, I was like, “I gave me more
than I gave you. Do you want more on
yours?” And then I added more to yours,
and then you freaked out.
D: I was like, Why are you trying to fuck
with this sandwich?
M: I was like, “Why don’t you add some
mustard in there, ’cause it’s very plain?”
D: I was like, “Oooh, you’re fancy with
your lemon juice!” Her melt did come out
much better than mine.
D: As it was happening, I thought, This
is so stupid. I’m not mad about this sand-
wich at all. We hugged to resolve it.
M: We hugged. It was the first day that
it really hit. I think for you, especially—he
has a harder time with the uncertainty.
D: I was unemployed and working from
home before this. I’m on like week five of
quarantine. But now, like, cut out going
outside. My alone time and outdoor time
just feels like ... that was the first day
where I was like, Fuck.
➼ O.G.’S ADVICE: Fights can be like
sex, a way to release tension. Sometimes it’s
okay to have an outburst at your partner!
When there’s love, there’s something
endearing about seeing each other’s vulner-
abilities and limits and some value in get-
ting each other through those moments.Hannah Brown and Jake Relic,
Los Angeles
Together for ten months and self-
isolating together at Jake’s apartment.J: This is the weirdest way to move in
together.