How we are (not always) all ears
Paradoxically, in our age of constant communication, the raw material of
conversation has actually disappeared: listening. Genuine, real listening is
a rare commodity and a great gift, because you are giving to the person
you are listening to your most valuable asset: your attention.
Here are a few suggestions of how to do it right, based on the
communication technique ‘active listening’ devised by Carl Rogers and
Richard Farson in 1957.
Listen, don’t talk
As the cartoon here suggests, resist talking about yourself. Or as the radio
host Celeste Headlee put it brilliantly in a TEDx speech: ‘If they’re talking
about having lost a family member, don’t start talking about the time you
lost a family member. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at
work, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job. It’s not the same.
It’s never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly,
it’s not about you.’
Don’t finish the other person’s ...
Some people have a tendency of impatiently finishing the sentence or
thought of the person they are talking to. Although very slow thinking and
talking can be irritating, don’t interrupt, even if you think it might show
empathy.
Your body language says a lot
Look the other person in the eye – but don’t stare. Nod – but only if you
want to agree with what they are saying or show that you have understood
something important.
Notice the little things
Listen out for details in what they are saying and pick up on these later.
This makes it easier to ask questions (‘You mentioned that you spent a lot