494 Chapter 14 The Major Motives of Life: Food, Love, Sex, and work
stereotyped answers, but in reality neither sex
loves more than the other (Dion & Dion, 1993;
Hatfield & Rapson, 1996/2005). Men and women
are equally likely to suffer the heart-crushing tor-
ments of unrequited love. They are equally likely
to be securely or insecurely attached (Feeney &
Cassidy, 2003). Both sexes suffer mightily when
a love relationship ends, assuming they did not
want it to.
However, women and men often differ, on
average, in how they express the fundamental
motives for love and intimacy. Males in many
cultures learn early that revelations of emotion
can be construed as evidence of vulnerability and
weakness, which are considered unmasculine (see
Chapter 13). Men in such cultures often develop
ways of revealing love that are based on actions
rather than words: doing things for and with
the partner, supporting the family financially,
sharing the same activity, such as watching TV
or a football game together, and initiating sex,
the most important channel for men’s expres-
sion of loving feelings. Women tend to express
love by tending to the emotional climate of their
relationships: offering compliments and kisses,
and restraining themselves from complaining
and criticizing (Schoenfeld, Bredow, & Huston,
2012; Shields, 2002).
Gender differences in part reflect gender
roles, which are in turn shaped by social, eco-
nomic, and cultural forces. For most of human
history, around the world, the idea that two peo-
ple would marry for love was considered pre-
posterous. (“Love? Please. We have alliances to
make, work to do, and kids to produce.”) Only in
the twentieth century did love come to be seen
as the normal motive for marrying (Coontz,
2005). Even then, women remained far more
pragmatic than men in choosing a partner until
roughly the 1980s (Reis & Aron, 2008). One rea-
son was that a woman did not just marry a man;
she married a standard of living. Therefore,
many women could not afford to marry some-
one unsuitable or waste time in a relationshipillness, unemployment, or retirement—evokes
simmering displeasure over issues of “what’s fair.”
Another key psychological factor in a couple’s
ability to sustain love is the nature of their primary
motivation to maintain the relationship: Is it posi-
tive (to enjoy affection and intimacy) or negative
(to avoid feeling insecure and lonely)? Couples
motivated by the former goal tend to report
more satisfaction with their partners (Gable &
Poore, 2008). We will see that this difference in
motivation— positive or negative—affects happi-
ness and satisfaction in many different domains
of life.
The critical-thinking guideline “define your
terms” may never be more important than in
matters of love. The way we define love deeply
affects our satisfaction with relationships and
whether or not our relationships last. If you be-
lieve that the only
real love is the kind
defined by obsession
and sexual passion,
then you may de-
cide you are out of
love when the initial
phase of attraction fades, as it eventually must,
and you will be repeatedly disappointed. Robert
Solomon (1994) argued that “We conceive of
[love] falsely.... We expect an explosion at the
beginning powerful enough to fuel love through
all of its ups and downs instead of viewing love
as a process over which we have control, a pro-
cess that tends to increase with time rather than
wane.” And in truth, people fall in love in dif-
ferent ways: Some couples do so gradually, after
“falling in friendship” first; couples in arranged
marriages may come to love each other long after
the wedding (Solomon, Robert C., 1994).Gender, Culture, and Love LO 14.6
Which sex is more romantic? Which sex truly
understands true love? Which sex falls in love
but won’t commit? Pop-psych books are full ofAbout Defining LoveThinking
CriTiCallyPassionate love often starts relationships, but companionate love keeps them going.Jump Start reprinted by permission of United Feature Syndicate, Inc.