The Psychology of Friendship - Oxford University Press (2016)

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The Aftermath

Friendship After Romantic Relationship Termination

Eddie M. Clark, Priscilla Fernandez, Abigail L. Harris,

Michelle Hasan, and Katheryn B. Votaw^1

Introduction

Consider two scenarios based on true stories (with names changed). In the first
scenario, Ann and Andy have been dating for several weeks. Eventually Ann begins
to have romantic feelings for one of their mutual friends, so she ends her romantic
relationship with Andy but states that she still cares for him and wants to remain
friends. Andy is so distressed by the breakup that it interferes with his academic
performance. He avoids Ann and tells her to stay away from him even though they
both attend the same university and have many mutual friends. Their friends do not
take sides in the conflict. After several months, Andy feels more comfortable around
Ann, although their relationship is awkward and they never form a close ex- partner
friendship. In the second scenario, Barbara and Bart have been married for several
years. They realize that the marriage is not working and decide to divorce. They dis-
cuss the divorce amicably and decide, without the help of lawyers, how their posses-
sions will be divided and the custody arrangements for their children. They remain
close friends even years after the divorce, and each one is always available if the
other needs help. Their families are very supportive of their friendship.
These scenarios are a sampling of the wide range of possible outcomes in the
friendships between ex- romantic partners and the potential importance of intra-
personal (e.g., partners’ positive and negative affect), dyadic (e.g., disengagement
processes, transitions), and social network (e.g., influence of family and friends,
new partner) factors. Although many partners claim to desire friendship with
their ex- partners, ex- partner friendship is a fairly rare phenomenon, only occur-
ring approximately 10% of the time (Buunk & Mutsaers, 1999; R . S. Weiss, 1975).
Despite being uncommon, however, some ex- partners become very good or even