178 Friendship and Conflict
best friends (Ahrons & Rodgers, 1987). In this chapter we review the intrapersonal,
dyadic, and social network factors involved in the development (or lack thereof ) of
ex- partner friendships.
Intrapersonal Factors
Intrapersonal factors include sets of cognitive and affective within- person variables
such as individual differences, expectations, motivations for remaining friends after
a romantic relationship breakup, and hope for romantic reconciliation. These fac-
tors may be examined in one or both ex- partners and might influence the effects of
dyadic and social network factors on the ex- partner relationship outcomes.
Individual Differences
Staying friends can be difficult because many people lack a mental model, or script,
for the expected behaviors in ex- partners’ interactions. Even though individuals
may need to develop their own relationship scripts for their ex- partner friendship
(Foley & Fraser, 1998; O’Meara, 1989), there are a few common elements that
can lead to successful postrelationship friendships. First, partners must overcome
any unresolved feelings of loss and grief, including any anger and bitterness expe-
rienced during the course of the romantic relationship (Langhinrichsen- Rohling,
Huss, & Ramsey, 2000; Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980). Relinquishing negative feelings
and forgiving the former partner may lead to stronger levels of satisfaction, com-
mitment, and closeness that are vital to the success of any friendship (McCullough
et al., 1998). In reality, many former partners are not able to overcome their nega-
tive feelings once the romantic relationship is dissolved, and these persons join the
majority of former partners who do not have any type of postdissolution friend-
ship. There are inconclusive findings about gender, initiation of breakup, and future
friendship, and some of those findings may be related to negative feelings after the
breakup. Some researchers claim that it is better for the friendship when men are
the initiators (Hill, Rubin, & Peplau, 1976) but others report that it makes no dif-
ference (Wilmot, Carbaugh, & Baxter, 1985). Hill et al. (1976) found that men suf-
fered more negative emotions than women after a breakup, but Wilmot et al. (1985)
found that gender was not related to differing emotional reactions.
Second, the individual difference of goodwill has been found to predict postdis-
solution communication satisfaction (Lambert & Hughes, 2010) and is composed
of understanding the other’s feelings, needs, ideas, empathy, and the responsive-
ness to the other’s communication efforts (McCroskey, 1992; McCroskey & Teven,
1999). Ex- partners who need to communicate with one another (e.g., because
of shared investments such as children) may be more likely to stay friends if they
express higher levels of goodwill toward their ex- partner.