or no questions you may have about
life, love and the universe in general.
For example:
“Should I propose to my girlfriend of
six months?”
Ask again later.
“Can I drink from this carton of milk
one day past its expiration?”
You may rely on it.
“Is Outlook a good choice to use for
my personal email?”
Outlook not so good.
Imagine googling the answers to
those questions. Ha! You’d be so over-
whelmed by the options that you would
inevitably watch nine hours of YouTube
hedgehog videos instead of coming to
a conclusion. Prolonged screen time is
bad for your eyesight; it is decidedly so.
Prolonged time with me, your steadfast
and mystical Magic 8 Ball, is good for
your inner eye. Why lose vision when
you can gain visions?
Google may help you prevent iden-
tity theft, but can it save you from petty
theft? Consider the following scenario:
Would-be mugger: “Give me your
phone, which has Google on it.”
You: “I don’t have a phone or Google.
I simply have this Magic 8 Ball.”
Would-be mugger: “No phone? Your
circumstances are clearly dire. I’ll be
on my way.”
Alternatively, you could just throw me
at him as a self-defence tactic.
If you shake me, not only do you
enhance your grip strength and gross
motor skills, you also always get an
answer to a question that you may or
may not have been asking. If you shake
Google, you are going to end up with a
broken laptop.
Can Google fall out of your pocket
and roll down a busy side street, causing
you to look down as you try to catch it
and accidentally bump into an attractive
stranger who turns out to be the love
of your life? There’s a reason that rom-
coms don’t start with Google searches,
and it’s not just copyright, baby.
An appeal to academics: I make
researching a lot more open-ended.
How boring is it to “cite sources” and
“study”? Bleh. You can ask me what
you like and know I’m the definitive
yes, no or maybe source on it.
Still need convincing?
Can Google make your enemies
sneeze? Dust me off instead.
Can you put Google down your shirt
and pretend you have a tiny baby
bump? Didn’t think so.
Can you substitute Google for a regu-
lar 8 ball? Absolutely not.
And most importantly, did Google
take even a moment out of its day to
write this plea to you in a respected
magazine? Because I did (full disclo-
sure, I had to use Google’s voice assis-
tant to do so).
Sincerely,
Magic 8 Ball
Forgotten Box of Childhood Junk,
the Basementreader’s digestrd.ca 59