It hasn’t always been as easy as that,
though. We’ve had disagreements about
grocery bills, parking spots, what consti-
tutes a clean kitchen and which brand of
saltine is best. And, with Oma in charge,
the boys’ after-school snacks became a
smorgasbord of chicken fingers, choc-
olate bars and Timbits. I voiced my
displeasure early on, but Georgii coun-
tered that they came home starving—
which I interpreted as a subtle dig at
the school lunches I made for them.
All intergenerational homes, I’m sure,
involve such conflicts—but by keeping
a few simple principles in mind, har-
mony can still prevail.Avoid Old Patterns
“The most common problem in three-
generation households is a parent who,
once their own aging parents move
back in, slips back into mommy-daddy-
child role,” says Susan Newman, author
of Under One Roof Again. “The parent
starts acting like their 10-year-old self
and their mother starts barking orders
at them again.”
To encourage equality, Newman
says that the middle set will need to
gently but firmly stand up for them-
selves. When parents criticize or com-
mand, be direct and explain how it
affects you. “You can say, ‘Hold it. I’m
an adult. I can handle this.’ Or, ‘It feels
as if you are judging me right now, and
it doesn’t feel good.’”
To minimize such encounters, New-
man says holding family meetings canbe effective: everyone comes to the
table as residents under one roof,
which helps establish a different tone.
The household can use the meetings
to divvy up chores, organize meal rou-
tines and air concerns before they turn
into grievances. “People aren’t mind-
readers,” says Newman.
When differences can’t be sorted out
easily, well, a family is not a democ-
racy. “Always bear in mind whose
house it is,” says Newman. Typically it
belongs to the middle generation, and
they should have the final word; the
older generation already had their turn
ruling the home. “If there’s a difference
of opinion, you can kindly say to your
parents, ‘I understand how you feel,
but it’s our house and this is the way
we prefer to run the household.’”Protect Personal Time
Three-generation households are an
antidote to social isolation, but some-
times they create the opposite prob-
lem: privacy can be hard to come by.
Most homes were built for two-
generation nuclear families, so adding
a third puts a squeeze on everyone’s
personal space and their alone time.
Suddenly, the one-bedroom-per-
child standard many families are used
to might no longer be feasible. Bath-
room backlogs become the new nor-
mal. And unlike traditional nuclear
households, moments in the week
when you have the house to yourself
become a rare luxury.reader’s digest
78 may 2020