The impact of this squeeze is typ-
ically felt most acutely by the middle
generation. “They are often at the high-
est point in their careers, and the kids
have busy schedules,” says therapist Jen
Milligan, based in Peterborough, Ont.
“Even without adding grandparents
into the mix, they’re already exhausted
and don’t have time for themselves.”
Milligan says it’s essential parents
and grandparents state when and
where they want quiet time to decom-
press in the home, and let others know
that’s their do-not-disturb hour. While
one adult is having “me time,” the
others need to pick up the slack. Doing
so can help ward off resentment and
keep everyone on good terms.
“In order to be our best selves for
others, we must take care of ourselves,”
says Milligan.
Don’t Overextend Yourself
Just as the household’s members need
to set boundaries around their time,
they also need them regarding their role.
According to Milligan, problems can
crop up when the oldest generation
begins to need more support. “You
want to be a good son or daughter to
your aging parents, but you’re not their
nurse,” cautions Milligan. When the
generations live apart, limits are easier
to establish, but it’s more difficult to
set them when living together.
The solution is to talk about home
care before you actually need it, and
agree on a plan for the kind of assistance
you’ll want and where you’ll get it. The
topic can be hard to broach—many
people find it easier to talk about their
death than their decline—but Milligan
encourages being proactive. “I think we
need to be honest about our love for our
parents but also that we still need to be
able to live our lives, just as they did.”
On the flip side, the middle genera-
tion can tend to lean too heavily upon
the grandparents. Milligan suggests
thinking of grandparents as volunteer
helpers: they get to offer support in
ways they enjoy. If they like assisting
with homework or driving the after-
school-sports-practice shuttle, they are
welcome to do those things, but they
shouldn’t be conscripted into them.
And it’s unfair if they are denied the
joys of grandparenting—including the
occasional spoiling.
This is how I made my peace with
Georgii’s after-school snack-meals. It’s
not the healthy food that Lynn or I
would feed them, but that’s because
we’re the parents. (Also, I’ll admit that
I turned out fine despite the many
thousands of afternoon pizza pockets
I ate as a kid.) The boys look forward to
seeing what surprises their Oma has
for them when they get home. To give
their appetites time to recover, we sim-
ply moved our family’s suppertime a
half hour later.
In the end, those treats are an import-
ant part of how Georgii expresses her
love for her grandsons, and I wouldn’t
want to stifle that.rd.ca 79