Cosmopolitan US May2020

I didn’t want to have kids

until Baby Yoda

happened

Stare into his giant

eyes and you, too,

will want yo ur I U D

removed.

long line of opti-

mally cute baby

characters: People

of the inter-

net have

compared

him to

predeces-

sor Baby

Groot,

and we’ve

already seen the

first blatant copy-

cat-but-make-it-an-

advertisement with

Planters’ Baby Nut.

Sure, it’s an opportu-

nistic attempt to jump

on the bébé band-

wagon and sell some

peanuts, but even

still I cannot stop

cooing over him and

his too-big top hat.

And just like that, I’m

calling up my gyno

to ask how long an

IUD removal takes.

Who knows how

many other women

have seen Baby

Yoda playing with

a metal ball and

lost their resolve

to remain childless

for the good of the

planet? Look, I’m not

saying Baby Yoda is

an ecoterrorist, here

to cause a popula-

tion explosion and

fast-track climate

change. But I’m

also...not not saying

that. *sips tea*

he first time

Baby Yoda

waved his

tiny magic

hands onscreen, a

friend immediately

asked which camp I

was in: “I would kill

for Baby Yoda” or

“I would die for Baby

Yoda.” My answer:

“I want to give birth

to Baby Yoda.”

I stand by that

statement. Which

is wild, because I

famously do not want

to have kids. It’s just

not for me. Besides

the obvious reasons

($$$$, poop, respon-

sibility), I constantly

think about an article

I once read that said

not having a child is

the most effective way

to cut your carbon

footprint. Basically, it’s

how I preemptively jus-

tify the many private

planes I’d charter if I

spontaneously became

a billionaire. It’s my

only defense if I ever

meet Greta Thunberg.

Except now, there

was this lil green

nugget of a character

on Disney+’s The

Mandalorian. And

all I could think about

was why no one was

reading to him. How

was he going to learn

new words?? Droids

were shooting at

each other and my

focus was one hun-

dred percent on the

importance, develop-

mentally, of The Child

understanding the

concept of hiding.

Literal science has

shown that humans

are drawn to things

with big eyes and

round heads. I mean,

obviously everyone

loves Baby Yoda.

He’s like Yoda but

with even bigger eyes

and an even rounder

head (and without

the weirdly annoying

sentence construc-

tion). I just can’t stop

imagining where in

my studio apartment I

would put his floating

crib/stroller. I picture

holding him for fun

and also because

touch is important to

infant development.

I ponder raising him

vegetarian and then

worry whether there

are nutrients a Yoda

baby needs that he can

only get from meat.

Of course, Baby

Yoda is just one in a

I just can’t stop

imagining

where I would

put his floating

crib/stroller.

“

In

th

is

e

ss

ay

,I

will...”

(N

o,

seriously.Th

is

is

a

n

e

ss

a

a y

bo

ut

BabyYoda

.)

By BLYTHE ROBERSON

10 Cosmopolitan May 2020

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