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July 2020 | REDONLINE.CO.UKPH
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‘My partner and I have stopped having
sex. How do we change our habits and
make it part of our life again?’
The reasons why couples stop having sex are as varied
as the people having it, but what commonly happens is
avoidance, and for many, this then leaks into other forms
of physical intimacy. There can be an avoidance of
situations or experiences that may lead to sex, which starts
to exclude a lot of what makes a relationship intimate,
and most people struggle to talk about this happening. But
the way to change these habits in the first instance is to
address them. You won’t get anywhere until you have both
acknowledged that there is a problem, and that you want to
change it. Then, you need to actively work to make these
changes happen. As a therapist, I’ve heard the words ‘we
just thought things would sort themselves out’ so many
times but, as with anything in life, changes don’t just
happen: we have to put in thought and effort.
Even though it sounds contrived, schedule time
for physical intimacy; it’s important that you have the
intention and prioritise spending this time together. And
finally, get used to touching each other in a sensual way
again. If it helps, you can agree not to have intercourse
for a set amount of time; for many, this can take the
pressure off. The more you learn how to be together again,
and experience pleasure together, the more you will start
to want it, rekindling your desire and breaking down the
sexual barriers between you.‘How do I know what I
like when it comes to sex?’
Sex is confusing. The model that
we have been traditionally taught
is penis-in-vagina penetration. This
excludes people who can’t or don’t
want to have this type of sex and it also excludes so much
of sex that sits outside of this space. How to know what
you like comes down to what makes you feel good and
gives you pleasure. It’s that simple. The best sex is when
you aren’t thinking about anything at all – you are in
the moment and letting go of any expectations, negative
thoughts or feelings of shame that may be holding you
back. The reality is those who are experiencing negativity
in relation to sex have learned it. These aren’t our own
‘shoulds’, they are the ‘shoulds’ of others.
So the best advice for finding out what you like is
to find out for yourself. Be curious, both physically and
psychologically. Explore your body and different types of
touch. Don’t just focus on the parts of the body normally
associated with sex, either – the skin in its entirety can be
an erogenous zone. Every body is different, and only you
will know what aspects of sensuality stimulate you sexually.
This exploration can also be non-sexual. Reading,‘The way to
change habits is
to address them’
Kate Moyle is a psychosexual & relationship psychotherapist & psycho-sexologist.
Folow her on Instagram @katemoyletherapy and on Twitter @katemoylepsyclistening and gathering perspectives from a variety of
sources can help you to challenge long-held views about
sex, and to expand your sexual repertoire psychologically.‘Is a sexless relationship sustainable?’
Yes, if you are in it together. One of the biggest challenges
for couples is managing a discrepancy in sexual wants and
amounts of sex. You can have intimacy without sex –
anything based on sharing together, from conversation and
non-verbal communication such as eye-contact, to exploring
new interests and hobbies. You can also have sex without
intimacy, which is more commonly about sex without
a connection. A sexless relationship, providing that is fine
for those involved, doesn’t mean that it is less sustainable.
So much of this lies in our social and cultural assumptions
about sex and relationships, but the important thing is that
every couple finds what works for them. For some people,
a sexual relationship might not be a part of that.‘I love my partner, so why don’t I want
to have sex?’
So often in relationships we get settled and comfortable.
This isn’t the most sexually exciting context and doesn’t
constantly encourage desire. We can still love someone
without having that sense of wanting that we may have
once had. Sex often happens when there is a difference
or distance between people. When we see our partners
through the eyes of others – making
a speech, or at a party when they
are holding others in conversation- it can make us feel more attracted
to them, as we step back out of our
usual relationship context and see
them from another perspective,
and it reminds us of what initially
sparked our interest. We need to create the space for sex
to happen in our relationships. Too often it slips to the
bottom of our priority list as we slot into daily life, but
the impact of daily stress acts as a barrier to intimacy.
Worrying about the mortgage and the family isn’t sexy,
and we slip into bad habits. Once we aren’t having sex
regularly, it almost becomes an afterthought. So it doesn’t
mean that you don’t love your partner, more that you need
to consciously make the effort to invest in this side of your
relationship. It’s helpful to find your motivation – to feel
closer to your partner, for example – to promote the
change in your sex life that you want.
In summary, it’s more normal to have questions about
sex than not, and the above questions should be part of
normalising our conversations, ideas and narratives about
sex. It’s about discovering what works for you, and you
will only find that out through curiosity and exploration.