MONDAY, AUGUST 3 , 2020. THE WASHINGTON POST EZ RE C3
Love,” the reference sparked de-
bate, but Jay-Z wasn’t the first or
last artist to invoke Ike Turner’s
fury. A New York Times profile
last year recalled Tina Turner’s
initial reaction to the “Drunk in
Love” line: “Yeah, I’m not sur-
prised.”
One of the jokes told at Me-
gan’s expense referred to another
famous Black woman who experi-
enced violence at the hands of a
partner. “I predict that they had
some sort of Bobby [Brown] &
Whitney [Houston] love that
drove them down this type of
road,” Draya Michele, an actress
and model who appeared on the
first season of VH1’s “Basketball
Wives,” said in a recent podcast.
“I’m here for it. I like that. I want
you to like me so much you shoot
me in the foot, too.”
Michele apologized after fac-
ing a backlash. Chrissy Teigen
also apologized after sharing an
ill-timed joke unrelated to the
incident that led to Megan’s inju-
ries. After Megan’s Instagram ad-
dress on Monday, 50 Cent apolo-
gized for sharing memes about
her being shot. And in a year
when more than 25 transgender
and nonconforming individuals
have died, according to the Hu-
man Rights Campaign, rapper
Cam’ron drew ire for sharing a
transphobic meme that mocked
Megan.
The casualness with which so-
ciety dismisses the suffering of
“these well-known women who
have created art that’s been so
cherished and loved as part of our
culture” sends a dangerous mes-
sage, Wanjuki said. “It teaches
communities that it is okay to
treat Black women this way, it’s
okay to abuse Black women be-
cause no one will take it serious-
ly.”
“They think we can take it,
we’re strong, we’re resilient, or
we’re liars or we’re aggressive,”
Wanjuki added. And that ambiva-
lence is rooted in the same racist
stereotypes that underscore oth-
er disparities, including the
alarming rates of pregnancy-re-
lated deaths among Black wom-
en. That, too, is an issue that has
touched the rich and famous — as
Beyoncé and tennis phenom Ser-
ena Williams publicly proved two
years ago when they spoke out, in
separate Vogue interviews, about
surviving dire pregnancy-related
conditions.
Beyoncé was among the fa-
mous Black women, including
Rihanna and Lizzo, who sent gifts
to Megan following her emotion-
al Instagram video. The rapper
featured flowers the singer had
sent — along with a card that read
“Queen, sending you all my love”
— in a later update.
As she ended her recent Insta-
gram Live, Megan told fans she is
“ready to get back to regular
programming.” But, she added,
“I’ve definitely learned that I
don’t have to be so nice to...
everybody. This ain’t going to
stop me from being nice, and it’s
not going to stop me from being
Megan Thee... Stallion.”
[email protected]super scary.” She added that she
was grateful the bullets did not
“touch bones” or “break ten-
dons.”
Even as she detailed what she
called “the worst experience of
my l ife,” Megan struck a defensive
tone. “It’s not funny. T here’s n oth-
ing to joke about,” she said.
“There was nothing for y’all to
start making fake stories about. I
didn’t put my hands on nobody. I
didn’t deserve to get shot.” For
Black women already horrified
by the jokes being made at the
rapper’s expense, that last line —
“I didn’t deserve to get shot” —
was salt in a long-festering
wound.
When Black women are the
victims of violence, “it’s usually
framed as a situation of mutual
combat or provocation,” said C.
Nicole Mason, president and
chief e xecutive of the Institute for
Women’s Policy Research.
That unwillingness to see
Black women as victims “is really
deep-rooted within in our cul-
ture” and goes back to the combi-
nation of misogyny and anti-
Blackness (or misogynoir, to use
the term coined by Black queer
feminist scholar Moya Bailey)
that Black women face. “It’s not
just the Black culture, it’s the
larger culture that doesn’t value
women,” Mason said.
In Megan’s case, “the scrutiny
has been on Meg and not where it
should be, which is on the perpe-
trator,” Mason said. “Some people
have justified what happened to
her by using her art, her power,
her sexuality against her.”
“That’s problematic in and of
itself,” Mason added. “The way
she talks about her romantic
relationships, where she’s in con-
trol, she’s in the driver’s seat —
that’s one of the main reasons
that her music has connected
with women,” Mason said. “What
this might say is that it’s danger-
ous for women to do that. When
you own your power, when you
own your sexuality, when you’re
in the driver’s seat in a relation-
ship, it can be deadly.”
The cruelty directed at Megan
is reminiscent of what other
prominent Black women, includ-
ing Rihanna and Tina Turner,
have endured after being abused
by men. And the virulence hasn’t
been limited to social media
jo kes: In 201 8, nearly a decade
after Rihanna’s ex-boyfriend
Chris Brown was charged with
brutally assaulting her, Rihanna
slammed Snapchat for featuring
an ad that polled users on wheth-
er they would want to “slap
Rihanna” or “punch Chris
Brown.”
Turner has, for decades, en-
dured similarly pervasive jokes in
the pop culture sphere. The vio-
lence she repeatedly suffered at
the hands of her first husband,
Ike Turner, has essentially be-
come a meme, in part because of
an over-the-top scene in the 1993
movie “What’s Love Got to Do
With It.” When Jay-Z compared
himself to Tina Turner’s abusive
ex in his and Beyoncé’s raucous
20 14 collaboration, “Drunk Inthe July 12 incident, but said in a
news release that officers had
conducted a traffic stop in the
neighborhood early that morning
during a “shots fired investiga-
tion.”
Rapper Tory L anez, who was in
videos posted earlier on Megan’s
Instagram account, was arrested
and charged with carrying a con-
cealed firearm in a vehicle. TMZ’s
initial report, citing unnamed
“law enforcement sources,” said
Megan had cut her foot on broken
glass inside the vehicle. The
LAPD release made no mention
of anyone suffering from gunshot
wounds but noted “one person
was transported to the hospital
and received medical treatment
for a foot injury.”
While fans have rallied around
Megan, who told followers she
had been the victim “of a crime
that was committed... with the
intention to physically harm me,”
the rapper has also been the
subject of cruel jokes. “Black
women are so unprotected & we
hold so many things in to protect
the feelings of others w/o consid-
ering our own,” the rapper tweet-
ed two days after first posting
about her injuries. “It might be
funny to y’all on the internet and
just another messy topic for you
to talk about but this is my real
life and I’m real life hurt and
traumatized.”
Her words especially resound-
ed for Black women, many of
whom recognize her treatment as
a representation of the vitriol
they often encounter when they
are victims of violence. Though
Lanez’s alleged role in Megan’s
attack — and the nature of his
relationship with the rapper —
remains unclear, the incident and
its aftermath have also served as
a stark reminder of the dispari-
ties Black women face when it
comes to gender-based violence.
According to a 2018 report by the
Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention, Black women are
more likely to be killed by vio-
lence, and more likely to be killed
by an intimate partner, than
White, Hispanic and Asian wom-
en (American Indian and Alaskan
Native women also experience
violence at disproportionate
rates).
Wagatwe Wanjuki, an anti-
rape activist and survivor of do-
mestic violence, said it has been
“very difficult” to see the vile
jokes Megan has endured over
the past few weeks. “It was a
reminder of how unprotected I
feel, how unsafe,” she said. “It’s
very hard for Black women to
garner sympathy. It’s very hard
for us to be seen as victims. It’s
easier for us to be mocked than
for us to be cherished or treated
with compassion.”
Megan made an emotional and
triumphant return to Instagram
last week, further detailing her
ordeal in a live video. “I was shot
in both of my feet,” she said,
pausing as she began to cry. “I
had to get surgery... to get the
bullets taken out, and it was
MEGAN FROM C1
Dear Amy: Like “Isolated,” I
have a medical condition that
makes it necessary to isolate
during the pandemic.
My remote friends and I have
discovered online bar trivia,
which we play via Zoom. I can’t
tell you how much I look
forward to this weekly two-hour
activity. Another group of
friends picked a book to read
and we have met virtually, to
discuss it. These activities are
literally keeping me sane.
— Plan It, and They Will ComePlan It, and They Will Come:
Deal me in!Amy’ s column appears seven days a
week at washingtonpost.com/advice.
Write to [email protected]
or Amy Dickinson, P.O. Box 194,
Freeville, N.Y. 13068. You can
also follow her @askingamy.
© 2020 by Amy Dickinson distributed by
Tribune Content Agencydropped out, I could join.
Not only did I not receive an
invite, but I found out that their
group is much larger this year,
with outside friends of the
group getting invited.
Am I wrong to feel hurt and
left out by my friends here, or
did the previous four years of
declining the trip excuse them?
I am now questioning my
friendship with these guys.
— Left OutLeft Out: Li fe presents many
opportunities to feel bad, if you
try hard enough. You have
never attended this annual
event, and it seems most likely
that the people who do attend
commit to it early. There is
nothing “wrong” with attendees
inviting guests. All of this is up
to the organizer.
I suggest that you keep in
closer touch to get back on the
primary guest list for next year.(or call 911).
Alcoholics Anonymous offers
an impressive array of online
meetings, so it is now possible
to virtually attend a meeting,
any hour of the day or night.
People who want to give
sobriety a try should check aa-
intergroup.org for more
information.Dear Amy: For the past four
years, a group of friends from
high school have gathered for
an annual weekend getaway.
I have always been invited,
but due to life events (graduate
school, a newborn baby or
financial constraints), I have
always graciously declined.
I was finally at a point where I
was excited to attend this year’s
outing. Time passed with no
invitation, so I reached out to the
friend who organizes the event,
who told me that all of the spots
were filled, but if somebodyTrapped: Your friend seems to
have passed through the
neighborly sloppy porch-
drinker phase and is now
parked at the belligerent/
blackout drunk stage. In the
course of coaxing him off your
porch, you can tell him the
truth about his drinking and
urge him to seek help.
Because he is belligerent and
forgetful at night when he is
drunk, you should lay down the
law during the day. Tell him, “I
have something important to
say. You cannot come over to my
house unless I invite you. I’m
very worried about your
drinking. I want you to know
that if you show up uninvited,
I’m going to take you home
right away.” And then when this
scenario presents itself, follow
through.
If your friend seems
dangerously drunk and ill, you
should take him to the hospitalThis has been going on for
six weeks, every night. One
night he came over while I was
sleeping, and started drinking
and smoking on my back
porch.
He arrives with no
invitation, and when I have
questioned him, he has said he
will “never grace me with his
presence again.” But the next
day, lo and behold, there he is
again, with no memory of the
previous conversation.
One time I sent him away,
and he then claimed he was
visiting relatives in another
state the next day. Instead, he
showed up at my house.
I liked the previous
arrangement, at a neutral
location. I could go to the bar if
I wanted to, when I wanted to
and leave when I wanted. Now
I feel trapped in my own home.
What should I do?
— TrappedDear Amy:
Before the
pandemic, I met
up with an old
friend of nearly
20 years three or
four nights a week at a local
watering hole. We would also
watch football together on
Sundays at my house.
When the pandemic hit, we
all self-quarantined: Me with
my college-aged daughter and
him by himself. We kept in
touch, and when I would order
groceries, I would get him food
and deliver it to his back door.
Restrictions were loosened,
and we have both tested
negative (so has my daughter)
for the coronavirus. But now he
takes an Uber to my house
every night for “porch
drinking,” which consists of
him drinking large amounts of
whiskey (which he brings) and
retelling the same stories.
A drinking pal has overindulged — and overstayed his welcome on the porch
Ask Amy
AMY
DICKINSON
emphasize enough the
importance of making sure that
our homes are safe for our active,
inquisitive children. This kind of
accident happens all too often. I
am so sorry this happened to
your daughter, and hopefully
your heartfelt letter will help
prevent this from happening to
other families.Heloise’s column appears six days a
week at washingtonpost.com/advice.
Send a hint to Heloise, P.O. Box
795001, San Antonio, Tex. 78279-
5000, or email it to
[email protected].
© 2 020, King Features SyndicateDear Heloise: Thank you for
printing your article on child
safety. I urge anyone with a free-
standing bookcase in their home
or office to bolt it to the wall.
Our daughter was a victim of a
very serious accident at a day-
care center when a free-standing
bookcase fell on her, causing
serious damage to her. She still
has symptoms from head and
eye injuries, and these are
permanent. Please print this so
parents can read my message.
Many thanks.
— C.D. in ConnecticutC.D. in Connecticut: We can’tl Use a desktop organizer to
hold bathroom accessories such
as brushes, combs, makeup,
toothbrushes, etc.Dear Heloise: I read your
column in our local paper, the
Bakersfield Californian.
I was getting ready to wash my
face before bed and couldn’t find
my hair band. I took a new pair
of knee-high stockings and tied
the toe ends in a knot. I wrapped
the socks around my head and
tied the other end into a bow. It
worked perfectly and is now my
go-to tool.
— Sandy M., Bakersfield, Calif.Dear Readers: Here are new
uses for old things:
l Don’t puncture a nice
photograph with a tack. Clip the
picture with a binder clip, and
use that to hang your photo from
a tack.
l Use pushpins on a bulletin
board to hang jewelry, such as
long necklaces and bracelets, to
avoid tangles.
l Use a business cardholder to
store those extra buttons and
thread that come with new
clothing.
l Use ice cube trays to store
small items such as earrings,
buttons or beads.meaning for me.
My future mother-in-law
wants a huge affair of nearly 300
people with six bridesmaids, a
large band and a morning
ceremony! She has offered to
chip in for expenses, but that’s
not the point. This caused a huge
argument. What should l do?
— Tracy in ConnecticutTracy in Connecticut: You and
your fiance need to have a
serious sit-down chat with his
family. Your wedding is a very
personal experience, and your in-
laws must respect that. Best
wishes to both of you.Today’s Sound
Off is about plan-
ning a wedding:Dear Heloise: My fiance and I
want a small, intimate wedding
in mid-October. Neither of us has
been married (I’m 28, and my
fiance is 31), but we feel a large
wedding is just not for us. We
want an evening ceremony of no
more than 70 people. My sister
will be my bridesmaid, and we’ll
have a sit-down dinner
afterward at my church, which is
124 years old. It’s where my
parents and grandparents were
married, and holds deep
Advice for planning an intimate wedding, and ways to repurpose something old
Hints from
Heloise
Megan Thee Stallion’s
words resound with
Black women
TOMMASO BODDI/GETTY IMAGES“It’s not funny. There’s nothing to joke about.
There was nothing for y’all to start making fake
stories about. I didn’t put my hands on nobody.
I didn’t deserve to get shot.”
Megan Thee Stallion, detailing the July ordeal in a live Instagram video