62 invitations, requests, and refusals
In Chinese culture, people are connected through a web of obligations and mutual social debt
often referred to as 关系/關係 guānxi ‘relationships’ or ‘connections.’
This social debt is created by invitations, favors, and requests, big and small, that have been
offered and accepted by others. They include buying small items for someone such as coffee,
soft drinks, or ice cream, helping someone complete a task, inviting someone to dinner, or
facilitating an introduction. By accepting an invitation or favor, or by making or agreeing to
a request, you enter into a relationship that obliges you to reciprocate at some time in the future.The Chinese expression that captures this social obligation is 来往/來往 lái wǎng, as in the
expression:
有来有往。
有來有往。
Yǒu lái yǒu wǎng.
To have give and take.A friendship is based on giving and taking, and one expects a regular exchange of giving and
receiving favors and assistance with a Chinese friend. When taking is not balanced with giving,
the behavior is described by the Chinese expression:
有来无往，非礼也。
有來無往，非禮也。
Yǒu lái wú wǎng, fēi lǐ yě.
Taking without giving is ill-mannered and uncivil.In many Western cultures, the relationship between favors and social obligations is not so strong.
One may accept favors without creating any obligation toward the giver. English has an expression
that captures this: ‘no strings attached.’ The expression means that a gift or favor comes with
no obligations to the recipient. In Chinese, where relationships are built on give and take, favors
often come with the expectation of reciprocation. A Chinese friend may be more generous with
you than a Western friend, but will expect more from you in return.
This chapter provides the basic strategies for negotiating invitations and requests in Chinese
and for forming socially acceptable refusals.62.1 Invitations
62.1.1 offering invitations
In English, invitations are often expressed in terms of a choice about whether or not to
participate:
Would you like to have coffee with me?