too good to be true that you earn points by not trying to solve your
partner's problems, but that is the case.
- Show genuine interest. Don't let your mind or eyes wander.
Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod,
say "uh-huh," and so on. - Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know
that you empathize: "What a bummer! Id be stressed out, too. I can
see why you feel that way." - Take your spouse's side. This means being supportive, even
if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don't side with
the opposition--this will make your spouse resentful or dejected. If
your wife's boss chewed her out for being five minutes late, don't say,
"Oh, well, maybe Bob was just having a bad day," And certainly don't
say, "Well, you shouldn't have been late." Instead, say "That's so
unfair!" The point isn't to be dishonest. It's just that timing is
everything. When your partner comes to you for emotional support
(rather than for advice), your job is not to cast moral judgment or to
tell him or her what to do. Your job is to say "poor baby" - Express a "we against others" attitude. If your mate is
feeling all alone in facing some difficulty, express solidarity. Let him
or her know that the two of you are in this together. - Express affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her
shoulder, say "I love you." - Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her
feelings make sense to you. Phrases that do this include "Yeah, that is
really so sad. That would have me worried, too. I can see why you'd
be annoyed about that."
Here are two brief examples of a stress-reducing conversation
to give you an idea of what to do--and what not to.
Don’t:Hank: I had another terrible meeting with Ethel today. She keeps
challenging my knowledge, and she has been going to the boss
telling him that she doubts my competence. I hate her.