approach usually fails because couples are asked to use it when they
are airing their gripes with each other. This is difficult to do and often
about as painless as an IRS audit. It's virtually impossible not to feel
frightened, hurt, or mad as hell when your spouse is blasting you.
But I have found that this same listening technique can be
extremely beneficial if you use it during discussions where you are
not your spouse's target. In this context, you'll feel far freer to be
readily supportive and understanding of your spouse and vice versa.
This can only heighten the love and trust you feel. Here are detailed
instructions for having this discussion:
1.Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen
minutes.
- Don't give unsolicited advice. If you quickly suggest a
solution to your partner's dilemma, he or she is likely to feel that you
are trivializing or dismissing the problem, which backfires. In effect
you're saying, "That's not such a big issue. Why don't you just. ..?" So
the cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that
understanding must precede odwce. You have to let your partner
know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma
before you suggest a solution. Often times your spouse isn't asking
you to come up with a solution at all--just to be a good listener, or
offer a ready shoulder to cry on.
I have found a significant gender difference when it comes to
this rule. Women are more sensitive to advice-giving than are men. In
other words, when a wife tells her husband her troubles, she usually
reacts very negatively if he tries to give her advice right away Instead
she wants to hear that he understands and feels compassion. Men are
far more tolerant of immediate attempts to problem-solve, so a wife
can probably "get away" with some gentle words of wisdom. Still, a
man who emotes to his wife about his work troubles would probably
prefer that she offer him sympathy rather than a solution.
In the workshops, when I tell couples that their role is not to
solve each other's problems but to offer support, their relief is almost
palpable. Men especially get caught up in thinking that when their
wives are upset, their role is to take care of the problem. A huge
burden is lifted once they realize that this is not their responsibility
and is usually the opposite of what their wives want. It seems almost