Each of you gets to talk for fifteen minutes. Make sure you both use
at least one phrase from the list of phrases during the
discussion.Announce to your partner beforehand that you're about to
make a repair attempt. You can even refer to the attempt by number,
as in, "I'm making repair attempt number six under / Feel: "I'm
feeling sad.""
When your partner announces a repair attempt, your job is
simply to try to accept it. View the interruption as a bid to make
things better. Accept the attempt in the spirit in which it was
intended. This entails accepting your partner's influence. For
example, if he or she says, "I need to finish what I'm saying,"
acknowledge that need and then encourage your partner to keep
talking to you. As you continue to use the list in your conversations,
eventually you might consider replacing it with some other ritual,
like raising your hand and announcing point-blank, "This is a repair
attempt!" Or you may come up with other effective repairs that better
fit your personality and relationship. For example, a couple we know
say "clip clop" to each other if one of them introduces one of the four
horsemen into a discussion. The humor in this repair helps defuse the
negativity all the more.
Step 3: soothe yourself and each otherWhile Justine is in the middle of discussing laundry with Michael, he
does something that seems incidental but really has great significance
for their chances of a happy future : He yawns. Cleaning house is not
the most fascinating subject, but Michael doesn’t yawn because
Justine is boring him. He yawns because he is relaxed. When you’re
feeling angry or anxious, yawning is just about the least likely
physiological reaction you’re going to have. Michael’s yawn is like an
announcement that he’s feeling soothed by Justine, even though she’s
discussing an area of conflict. Because no alarms are going off in his
body (or mind), he is able to discuss housework and reach a
compromise with Justine easily.