out to dinner can create dissension over such minutiae as where to
eat, when to eat, what to eat, how much to spend, who gets the check,
and so on. Then, of course, there are the deeper issues of values, jobs,
where to live, how to live, how to pray, and whom to vote for.
Although such conflicts usually surface quite early in a
marriage, in-law difficulties can be triggered or revived at many
other times, such as when children are born or pass major milestones
in their development, and again as the parents age and become
increasingly dependent on the couple.
At the core of the tension is a turf battle between the two
women for the husband's love. The wife is watching to see whether
her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, "Which
family are you really in?" Often the mother is asking the same
question.The man, for his part, just wishes the two women could get
along better. He loves them both and does not want to have to
choose. The whole idea is ridiculous to him. After all, he has loyalties
to each, and he must honor and respect both. Unfortunately, this
attitude often throws him into the role of peacemaker or mediator,
which invariably makes the situation worse.
Solution The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side
with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh,
remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a
sense of "we-ness" between husband and wife. So the husband must
let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. His house is
his and his wife's house, not his mother's. He is a husband first, then
a son. This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother's feelings
may be hurt. But eventually she will probably adjust to the reality
that her son's family unit, where he is the husband, takes precedence
to him over all others. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the
husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and
even if his mother cannot accept the new reality.
This is not to suggest that a man do anything that he feels
demeans and dishonors his parents or goes against his basic values.
He should not compromise who he is. But he has to stand with his
wife and not in the middle. He and his wife need to establish their