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conflict. Take, for example, one of the major causes of marital
dissatisfaction and divorce: the birth of the first baby. Sixty-seven
percent of couples in our newlywed study underwent a precipitous
drop in marital satisfaction the first time they became parents. But the
remaining 33 percent did not experience this drop—in fact, about half
of them saw their marriages improve.
What separated these two groups? You guessed it: The couples
whose marriages thrived after the birth had detailed love maps from
the get-go, according to a study of fifty couples by my student Alyson
Shapiro. These love maps protected their marriages in the wake of
this dramatic upheaval. Because husband and wife were already in
the habit of keeping up to date and were intently aware of what each
other was feeling and thinking, they weren't thrown off course. But if
you don't start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it's easy for
your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and
dramatically.
Maggie and Ken knew each other only a short time when they
married and decided to have a family But what their relationship
lacked in longevity they made up for in intimacy They were in touch
not just with the outlines of each other's lives--their favorite hobbies,
sports, and so on--but with each other's deepest longings, beliefs, and
fears. No matter how busy they were, they made each other their
priority—always making sure they had time to catch up on each
other's day. And at least once a week they'd go out for dinner and just
talk—sometimes about politics, sometimes about the weather,
sometimes about their own marriage.
When their daughter Alice was born, Maggie decided to give up
her job as a computer scientist to stay home with the baby. She herself
was surprised by the decision since she had always been very driven
in her career. But when she became a mother, her fundamental sense
of meaning in life changed. She found she was willing to undergo
great sacrifices for Alice's sake. Now she wanted the savings they had
earmarked for a motorboat to go into a college fund.
What happened to Maggie happens to many new mothers--the
experience of parenthood is so profound that your whole notion of
who you are and what you value gets reshuffled.