Shepherding a Child's Heart

(^) Whatever motivates behavior trains the heart. If you motivate
with shame you teach your children to respond to shame. If you
motivate with emotional appeals you train them to respond to
emotional appeal. If you motivate with promises of material things
you train them to respond to material incentives. Many of us as
adults can see character weaknesses in ourselves that are tied to the
motivations offered to us as children.
Addressing the Heart
(^) The temptation is to focus on behavior. Behavior is visible (or
perhaps audible). It seems more readily accessible.
(^) Recall with me the principle we saw in the first chapter, The Heart
Directs Behavior. Behavior is a manifestation of what is going on
inside. What a person says or does mirrors the heart. “For out of the
overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45).
(^) Principles of communication discussed in chapters 8–10 come to
life here. Behavior has a “when,” a “what,” and a “why.” The “when”
describes the circumstances in which the behavior occurred. The
“what” describes the things that were said or done. The “why”
describes the internal heart issues that pushed or pulled the specific
behavior. You must explore with your children not just the “when” or
the “what” of their behavior, but the “why.” You must help them to
look at the “what” of their behavior from the “why” perspective. Your
task is to help them understand the “overflow of the heart” aspect of
their behavior.
(^) Carrie was grumbling and complaining one afternoon. It was hard
to discern the cause of the problem. Her parents’ temptation was
simply to address the behavior—“Stop complaining!” or “I don’t
want to hear another word of complaint from you!” They might have
turned to the tried-and-true practice of silencing their child by
shaming her—“You should be ashamed of yourself for complaining
when you have so many blessings.”