with an important person in our life, we have a diʃerent brain.
Since none of us is working from a single-skull mind, our whole
mental life results from our inner neural world and the external
signals we receive from others. Each of us is meant to join our
individual “me” with others to become a part of “we.”
LAYING THE GROUNDWORK FOR CONNECTION:
CREATING POSITIVE MENTAL MODELS
What does all this mean for our children? The kinds of
relationships they experience will lay the groundwork for how they
relate to others for the rest of their lives. In other words, how well
they’ll be able to use their mindsight to participate in a “we” and
join with others down the road is based on the quality of their
attachment relationships with their caregivers—including parents
and grandparents, but also signiɹcant babysitters, teachers, peers,
and other influential people in their lives.
When kids spend time with the most important people in their
life, they develop important relational skills like communicating
and listening well, interpreting facial expressions, understanding
nonverbal communication, sharing, and sacriɹcing. But also, in
relationships, children develop models about how they themselves
ɹt into the world around them, and how relationships work. They
learn whether they can trust others to see and respond to their
needs, and whether they feel connected and protected enough to
step out and take risks. In short, they learn whether relationships
will leave them feeling alone and unseen; anxious and confused; or
felt, understood, and securely cared for.
Think of a newborn. A baby is born ready to connect, ready to
link what she sees in others with what she does and with what she
feels inside. But what if those others are only rarely attuned to