The Whole-Brain Child

what she needs? What if, more often than not, her parents are
unavailable and rejecting? Then confusion and frustration will
initially permeate the child’s mind. Without intimate moments of
consistent connection with her caregivers, she may grow up
without mindsight, without an understanding of the importance of
joining with someone else. We learn early in life to use our
connections with reliable others to soothe our internal distress.
This is the basis of secure attachment. But if we aren’t given such
nurturing, our brain will need to adapt and do the best it can.
Children can learn to “go it alone” in an eʃort to soothe
themselves as best they can. The relational, emotional circuitry of
this child’s brain, which needs closeness and connection that are
not being oʃered to her, may completely shut down as a way of
adapting. This is how the social brain shuts down its innate drive
for connection just to survive. However, if her parents can learn to
show her consistent, predictable love and attunement, she will
develop mindsight and live up to the relational potential her brain
has been wired for.
It’s not just parents who create the strategies of adaptation—or
mental models—for how children view relationships. Think about
what your children are learning from their relationships with
various caregivers, like the coach who emphasizes the importance
of working together and making sacriɹces for teammates. Or the
aunt who is hypercritical, who teaches that a central part of a
relationship involves disapproval and ɹnding fault. Or the
classmate who views all relationships through the lens of
competition, seeing everyone as a rival or adversary. Or the
teacher who emphasizes kindness and mutual respect and models
compassion in her interactions with the children in her class.
All of these diʃerent relational experiences wire a child’s brain
for what a “we” feels like. Remember that the brain uses repeated
experiences or associations to predict what to expect. When