impact on how the child deals with that aspect of his or her
personality, as well as how shy the child is later on.
The point is that parenting matters, even to the extent of
inɻuencing our inborn and genetically shaped temperament. We
can help prepare our kids to join with others and experience
meaningful relationships by oʃering encouragement and
opportunities that help them develop those mindsight skills. We’ll
talk in a minute about some speciɹc ways to do that. But ɹrst let’s
explain what we mean by helping kids be receptive to being in
relationships.
CULTIVATING A “YES” STATE OF MIND: HELPING KIDS BE RECEPTIVE TO RELATIONSHIPS
If we want to prepare kids to participate as healthy individuals in a
relationship, we need to create within them an open, receptive state,
instead of a closed, reactive one. To illustrate, here’s an exercise
Dan uses with many families. First he’ll tell them he’s going to
repeat a word several times, and he asks them just to notice what
it feels like in their bodies. The ɹrst word is “no,” said ɹrmly and
slightly harshly seven times, with about two seconds between each
“no.” Then, after another pause, he says a clear but somewhat
gentler “yes” seven times. Afterward, clients often say that the
“no” felt stiɻing and angering, as if they were being shut down or
scolded. In contrast, the “yes” made them feel calm, peaceful, even
light. (You might close your eyes now and try the exercise for
yourself. Notice what goes on in your body as you or a friend says
“no” and then “yes” several times.)
These two diʃerent responses—the “no” feelings and the “yes”
feelings—demonstrate what we mean when we talk about
reactivity versus receptivity. When the nervous system is reactive,
it’s actually in a ɹght-ɻight-freeze response state, from which it’s