The Whole-Brain Child

almost impossible to connect in an open and caring way with
another person. Remember the amygdala and the other parts of
your downstairs brain that react immediately, without thinking,
whenever you feel threatened? When our entire focus is on self-
defense, no matter what we do, we stay in that reactive, “no” state
of mind. We become guarded, unable to join with someone else—
by listening well, by giving them the beneɹt of the doubt, by
considering their feelings, and so on. Even neutral comments can
transform into ɹghting words, distorting what we hear to ɹt what
we fear. This is how we enter a reactive state and prepare to ɹght,
to flee, or even to freeze.
On the other hand, when we’re receptive, a diʃerent set of
circuits in the brain becomes active. The “yes” part of the exercise,
for most people, produces a positive experience. The muscles of
their face and vocal cords relax, their blood pressure and heart rate
normalize, and they become more open to experiencing whatever
another person wants to express. In short, they become more
receptive. Whereas reactivity emerges from our downstairs brain
and leaves us feeling shut down, upset, and defensive, a receptive
state turns on the social engagement system that involves a
diʃerent set of circuits of the upstairs brain that connects us to
others, allowing us to feel safe and seen.
When interacting with our kids, it can be extremely helpful to
decipher whether they’re in a reactive or receptive state of mind.
This of course requires mindsight on our part. We need to consider
where our kids are emotionally (and where we ourselves are) at
any given moment. If your four-year-old is screaming “I wanna
swing longer!” as you carry her under one arm away from the
park, that may not be the best time to talk to her about
appropriate ways of handling big emotions. Wait until this reactive
state passes; then, when she’s more receptive, talk to her about
how you’d like to see her respond the next time she’s disappointed.