The Whole-Brain Child

Likewise, when your eleven-year-old ɹnds out that he didn’t get
accepted into the art program he’d set his heart on, you may need
to hold oʃ on word-heavy pronouncements of hope and
alternatives. The downstairs state of reactivity doesn’t know what
to do with a lot of upstairs words. Often, in moments of reactivity,
nonverbals (like hugs and empathetic facial expressions) will be
much more powerful.
Over time, we want to help our children become more receptive
to relationships, and help them develop mindsight skills that will
let them join with others. Then receptivity can lead to resonance—
a way of joining from the inside out—that will allow them to enjoy
the depth and intimacy that come with meaningful relationships.
Otherwise, a child is left adrift, motivated by a sense of isolation
rather than a desire and ability to join.
One ɹnal note before we turn to steps we can take to encourage
receptivity and relational skills: as we help children be more
receptive to joining with others, we need to keep in mind the
importance of maintaining their individual identity as well. For a
ten-year-old girl who’s doing everything within her power to ɹt in
with a clique of mean girls at school, the problem may not be that
she’s not receptive enough to joining a “we.” The concern for her
may be just the opposite, that she’s lost sight of her “me” and is
therefore going along with everything this set of bullies tells her to
do. Any healthy relationship—whether it’s family, friendship,
romantic, or otherwise—is made up of healthy individuals in
connection with others. To become a part of a well-functioning
“we,” a person needs also to remain an individual “me.” Just as we
don’t want our kids to be only right-brained or only left-brained,
we also don’t want them to be only individualistic, leaving them
selɹsh and isolated, or only relational, leaving them needy,
dependent, and vulnerable to unhealthy and harmful relationships.
We want them to be whole-brained, and enjoy integrated