The Whole-Brain Child

your child’s temperament, but what’s most important is that you
help soothe him and steer him away from the chaos bank of the
river. There’s no sense in talking about consequences or
appropriate behavior. He simply can’t process any of that
information when he’s in the middle of his downstairs tantrum,
because that conversation requires a functioning upstairs brain that
can listen and assimilate information. So your ɹrst task, when your
child’s upstairs brain has been hijacked by his downstairs brain, is
to help calm his amygdala.
Then, once the upstairs brain reenters the picture, you can begin
to respond to the issue using logic and reason. (“Did you not like it
that Daddy washed your hair like that? Do you have any ideas
about how we should wash your hair next time?”) Once he is in a
more receptive place, you can also talk about appropriate and
inappropriate behavior, and about any possible consequences (“I
know you were really angry about the water splashing in your
face. But it’s not OK to hit when you’re mad. You can use words
and tell Daddy, ‘I don’t like that. Please stop’ ”). Your discipline
can now maintain your authority—that’s crucial—but you can do
so from a more informed and compassionate position. And your
child is more likely to internalize the lesson because you’re
teaching it when his brain is more receptive to learning.
As any veteran parent knows, ɻipping the lid isn’t unique to
toddlers. It may look diʃerent when it occurs in a ten-year-old, but
a child of any age (or even an adult!) is prone to having the
downstairs brain take over in high-emotion situations. That’s why
an awareness of the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain—and
the tantrums that originate from each place—can help us be much
more eʃective as we discipline our children. We can more clearly
see when it’s time to draw the line and when it’s time to bring lots
of nurturing compassion to help engage the upstairs brain.
Tantrums provide just one example of how practical this