and clothes may have really happened, but memory is not an exact
reproduction of events from your past. Whenever you retrieve a
memory, you alter it. What you recall may be close to exactly what
happened, but the very act of recalling an experience changes it,
sometimes in signiɹcant ways. To put it scientiɹcally, memory
retrieval activates a neural cluster similar to, but not identical
with, the one created at the time of encoding. Thus memories are
distorted—sometimes slightly, sometimes greatly—even though
you believe you are being accurate.
You’ve had those conversations with your sibling or your spouse
where after you tell a story about something, they say “That’s not
how it happened!” Your state of mind when you encoded the
memory and the state of mind you’re in when you recall it
inɻuence and change the memory itself. So the story you actually
tell is less history and more historical fiction.
Keep these two myths in mind as we talk in the following pages
about your kids and the way their past experiences impact them.
Remember that memory is all about linkages in the brain (as
opposed to being alphabetical ɹles to be accessed whenever
needed), and that retrieved memories are by deɹnition vulnerable
to distortion (as opposed to being detail-for-detail accurate
photocopies from your past).
THE TRUTH ABOUT MEMORY: LET’S GET EXPLICIT (AND IMPLICIT)
Think about your memory for changing a diaper. When you
approach a changing table, you don’t actively talk yourself through
the process: “OK, ɹrst place the baby on the pad. Now unzip the
pajamas and remove the soggy diaper. Place the clean diaper under
the baby and ...”
No, none of that’s necessary because when you change a diaper,