The Conscious Parent

A mother confided in me her concern that her four-year-old daughter
was off the developmental track because, although she was controlling
her use of the potty, she often still wet her panties at night. Reassuring
this mother, I encouraged her to let go of her investment in her daughter
being on track and instead realize that this would be the first of many
occasions when she would need to reconcile herself to her daughter’s
inherent differentness. The mother called me within two weeks and
shared that her daughter had begun doing much better now that she had
backed off making this an issue.
So excited was this mother that she wondered whether it would be
good to buy her daughter a gift. I responded, “Of course,” adding the
caveat that instead of simply praising her daughter for reaching a goal,
the gift is most beneficial when it represents praise for all the things they
learned about each other through this experience. She might explain that
she had been worried, but that she was now sorry not to have trusted her
daughter, and how wonderful it is that her daughter was able to set her
own timetable and be strong about it.
When we focus on the achievement of a goal instead of the learning
process, our children miss many opportunities to develop their self-
esteem. Rather than telling them, “Good job. Here is your gift,” it’s
important to highlight their character development, sharing with them
how proud we are that they showed patience, determination, and bravery.
We might also praise them for their ability to demonstrate a relaxed
attitude when we couldn’t—that, unlike us, they felt no pressure, but
honored their own body and its rhythms. In this way our children
discover joy in learning, quite apart from reaching a destination.