The Conscious Parent

A little boy of five was using the potty throughout the day, but at night
slept in diapers. Realizing the importance of allowing his child to self-
regulate, the father said not a word. On the eve of beginning
kindergarten, as the father was getting out a diaper at bedtime, his son
announced, “I don’t need a diaper. I’m a big boy now. I’m going to
school tomorrow!” Not once did this child have a nighttime accident.
This is the kind of self-mastery we want our children to develop. When
our children come to us with anxiety about an exam, a conscious
approach isn’t to give them a pep talk about how well they will do on the
exam, but to help them handle their anxiety. We need to reassure them
that it isn’t so important how they perform, but how much they enjoy the
material. When the focus is on their willingness to engage the topic and
become one with it, we give our children permission to relish the process
of expanding their understanding. If the focus is on how well they
perform on an exam, we send a signal that their unique process is only
relevant if they produce results. We say we want our children not to fear
failure. Yet fear is precisely what we teach when we focus on where our
children need to be, instead of on where they already are.
When we enroll our children in a class or see their report card, we have
to remember that it’s through how we respond in our body language,
voice, and signs of pleasure or displeasure that we communicate what we
expect from them. Is our purpose to communicate that only high grades
evoke a positive response from us, whereas poor grades don’t? Do we
communicate that getting an A or coming first in something is the
measure of their worth?
When I was twelve years old, I earned A’s in every subject. Excited by