The Conscious Parent

children learn how to use good judgment and discernment, make
effective choices, and create positive solutions. For this reason, I believe
the term discipline needs to be replaced and suggest that something like
“behavioral shaping”1 is more in line with a conscious approach to
parenting. Behavioral shaping implies we respond to all of our children’s
behavior, not just behavior we deem undesirable. Equal or greater focus
is placed on the positive. Rather than regarding times of conflict as a
nuisance, behavioral shaping uses all conflict as a laboratory for
learning. For this reason, shaping occurs continuously on a moment-by-
moment basis instead of being squeezed into punitive time slots. The
signature of this shaping is positive reinforcement, which is a more
effective tool than punishment.
1Behavioral shaping is a term often used in behavior modification
programs in which new behavior is taught through the use of
reinforcement until the desired behavior is achieved. In this book the
term is used to describe the ongoing, moment-by-moment attention a
parent needs to devote to a child’s behavior so that corrective action
takes place in the here-and-now rather than in a time frame that is
disconnected from the present. The term “shaping” is used to describe
the continuously evolving nature of behavior, implying that there is
always contouring and adjustment to be done and that there is no
“perfect” state to arrive at.
Positive reinforcement means that if your child gives you a problem
over brushing their teeth, you don’t obsess about the thirty-one teeth that
weren’t brushed well but instead focus on the one tooth that was. If your
child resists studying geography, you don’t belabor their inability to sit