The Conscious Parent

In the case of a toddler, you might gently hold them and be very
present with them until they calm themselves. Because they can’t be
expected to contain themselves at this age, you do the containing for
them. On the other hand, if your teen talks to you in a rude way, you need
to become present with them in a manner that’s not combative.
Sometimes it’s appropriate to issue your children something akin to a
reprimand, while at other times it’s better to approach them in fun, with
gentleness, or with praise and positive reinforcement. At other times
your children need you to help shape them by simply bearing witness as
they figure things out for themselves. Song, dance, acting, and play can
also be effective in helping your children understand the appropriate way
to conduct themselves. In these and other ways, your children internalize
the norms you ask them to live by. Living in a contained manner then
becomes a habit, enhancing their natural way of being.
Punishment may stop a behavior, or it may not, but it definitely won’t
teach a child to replace inappropriate behavior with moreproductive
behavior. Instead of simply punishing your children’s behavior, you can
use the very situations that are problematic to teach the art of self-
reflection, which will open up the path to positive ways of handling
situations through problem-solving.
For example, if your child is acting out and you are aware that they are
tired, instead of focusing on their acting out, go directly to their
emotional experience and say, “You must be so tired right now.” Or if
they are sad about something, ask, “Are you acting like this because you
are sad?” The doorway to emotional processing then swings open. After
you have identified their emotional state and entered into it with them,