you’ll be good? Or are you going to keep goofing off at the
table?”
“No, I won’t do it anymore. I’ll be good.”
“Well, okay,” Mom says, thinking her problems are over.
“You can stay.”
The real world doesn’t operate on the multiple-warning
system, and neither should we. Parents who give a lot of
warnings raise kids who don’t behave until they’ve had a lot of
warnings.The real world operates on consequences. If we do a consistently lousy
job at work, our boss doesn’t take away our VCR — he fires us.
When we punish our children, we provide them with a great escape
valve, an escape from the consequences of their action. They never have
to think when they’re punished. They don’t have to change their behavior.
They think, I’m being punished for what I did. I’m doing my time. And
their anger is directed toward the punisher: us.
As Love and Logic parents, we want our kids to hurt from the inside
out. This happens when we allow the consequences to do the teaching.
Consequences leave kids thinking very hard about their behavior and
their responsibilities. Consequences lead to self-examination and thought.
Naturally Occurring Consequences
The best consequences are those that fall naturally. If Aubrey is a
nuisance at the dinner table and chooses to play on the floor rather than
eat nicely at the table, then it only makes sense that she’ll be hungry at
bedtime. If Seth continually neglects his schoolwork and brings home
failing grades, then staying back a grade makes sense. Naturally falling
consequences allow the cause and effect of our children’s actions to
register in their brains. When they ask themselves, Who is making me
hurt like this? their only answer is, Me.
But these consequences put a painful, sinking feeling into our stomachs