Parents need to tell their children, without details, how they feel
about the ex-spouse and why. It is also helpful to give the other
parent’s point of view. But bad-mouthing the ex-spouse backfires.
Guideline Four: Understand children’s misbehavior without
excusing it. Encourage your children to express their feelings, but
continue to give consequences for misbehavior. Parents must never
tolerate disrespect.
Guideline Five: Give children a support group. Children need
someone outside the family to talk with — school counselors,
teachers, peer groups, or friends of the family.
Guideline Six: Post-divorce counseling for parents and children
may help. When communication is poor and distrust rampant
between the adults, counseling is almost always helpful, especially if
both adults would really like things to improve.
Guideline Seven: Don’t use your children to gain information. No
matter how tempted you are to interrogate your children regarding
your ex-spouse, it is generally best to refrain. Children sometimes
give their parent answers he or she wants to hear. They can figure
out what the parent is looking for. If one parent is looking for
evidence that the other is a jerk, the kids will feed that desire.
Guideline Eight: Handle visitation issues directly with the ex-
spouse. It is never wise to send messages to the ex-partner through
the kids. If you want that person to know something, contact him or
her directly.
Guideline Nine: Children need “moms” and “dads.” In the case of
a remarriage, it is best to encourage children to call stepparents
“Mom” and “Dad.” Kids won’t forget who the “real” parent is. It’s
important to offer the children this option but not force the issue.