We sometimes worry that this approach sounds too tough,
taking the pet out of the home with the possibility it may never
return. But we also know that life offers much tougher
consequences. The message we want to convey to our children
is that neglecting responsibilities presents serious
consequences. Poor personal health habits, for example, can
lead to illness and, ultimately, death. Children need to learn that
lesson. The question is this: Will they learn it on goldfish or
hamsters or dogs, or on themselves?This is tough on us. Our guilt nags us; our insecurity bugs us to death.
What will our friends think when our son is the jerk of his school? How
will we be viewed at church when it’s our daughter who never remembers
the name of the boy who slew Goliath? How can parents who love their
child stand back and watch him or her blow it time and time again
without stepping in with help? Our intervention into our children’s
problems demonstrates a selfish love. We must rise up in a higher love —
a love that shows itself in allowing our children to learn on their own.
Standing at her kitchen window, Robin watches son Josh slug neighbor
boy Parker, after which Parker, unhurt, flees home in tears. Is this a
child’s problem? Of course it is. If Robin allows her own emotions to
control her reaction, she can rob Josh of the chance to grow in
responsibility. For example, if she reacts with embarrassment — “What
will people think?” — Josh receives the message that she doesn’t care
about how he feels; she cares only about how others feel. If she is angry
and authoritarian — “Don’t do that! Apologize to Parker!” — Josh will
rebel. Parents who make a child do something their way find that the
child tries all the harder to do it his or her way. If she throws up her hands
in helplessness — “What will I ever do with you?” — she assumes
ownership of the problem. Josh will probably think, I don’t know, but you
figure it out.
Each of these possible responses is based on Robin’s own emotions.
Each denies Josh the chance to tackle his own problem. It would be better
for Robin to focus on Josh. She could either say nothing or offer her ear