Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

for listening if Josh wants to talk about it. Or if she is so troubled she
feels she must express her disapproval, she could say, “Josh, I saw what
you did to Parker. Do you approve of that? What would be the right thing
to do now? How do you think Parker feels? I hope next time you’ll find a
better way to solve that kind of problem.” Such comments put the burden
of resolving the problem as well as the future response on Josh’s
shoulders.
What should Robin do if Parker’s mother, Kelly, comes over spitting
nails? How would she keep this Josh’s problem? If that happens, it is best
for Robin to say, “Well, Kelly, I can understand your being upset. If my
son had been hit, I’d be upset too. I think it would be great for you to tell
Josh exactly how you feel. In fact, I’ll call him down and you can talk to
him now.”
Robin must emphasize to Kelly that she cannot control her son’s
behavior when he is away from home but, on the other hand, understands
if Parker is angry and wants to hit Josh back. Robin tells Kelly that she
will let Josh know that this threat is a distinct possibility and that such
consequences would be sad for him. Throughout this whole episode,
Robin should realize that Kelly may not be helping her son Parker by
moving in and taking care of Parker’s problems. On the other hand, she
also realizes it might help Josh a lot to let him know that the neighbors
are upset and will not let him get away with such an act.
Allowing children to solve their own problems presumes an implicit,
basic trust that their behavior will change as they learn from their
experiences. For example, Josh might learn that hitting another person
usually results in bad news for the provocateur.
To repeat: The best solution to any problem lies within the skin of the
person who rightfully owns the problem.