thinking words instead of fighting words, and we establish the
behavior we want. Compare the two:FIGHTING WORDS: “No, you can’t go out to play until you
practice your lessons.”
THINKING WORDS: “Yes, you may go out to play as soon as
you practice your lessons.”FIGHTING WORDS: “No, you can’t watch television until your
chores are done.”
THINKING WORDS: “Yes, you may watch television as soon
as your chores are done.”By using thinking words, we are able to set limits on our children’s
behavior without telling them what to do. For instance, if we want the
lawn mowed before they eat their next meal, we set that limit by offering
them a choice: of mowing the lawn and eating, or of not doing the lawn
and not eating.
Now, when offered such choices, our children will probably say,
“That’s not fair! Why should I have to take either of those choices?” The
answer lies in the fact that our choices must always make “real world”
sense (we’ll explore this more in chapter 6). So we would lovingly say to
our child, “Well, honey, that’s the way the world works for me. First I get
my job done, then I get paid, and then I eat. If it’s good enough for me,
who do you suppose I think it’s also good enough for?” The child will
always answer, a little dejectedly but insightfully, “Me.” And we always
respond with, “Good thinking.” When we give our children the right to
make decisions, there is no anger for them to rebel against. Nobody’s
doing their thinking for them, and the limit is established.
Finally, let’s just admit it: When we ourselves make requests of others
and we get a “yes” answer, it makes our heart sing and we have a positive
feeling about the other party. “Yes” is just more fun to say than “no” if
we are healthy and don’t get a kick out of controlling others. Loving
parents often feel they must say “no” to requests that they do something