not be able to control the disrespectful words that pop out of Alyssa’s
mouth, but we can make sure she doesn’t use them in our presence — we
send her away until she can speak reasonably with us.^6
We cannot afford to demand blind obedience to our every wish. When
faced with such demands, kids dig in their heels and hold out for their
own values — and that’s a control battle we’ll lose every time.
LOVE AND LOGIC TIP 19
Three Rules for Control Battles- Avoid a control battle at all costs.
- If you’re going to get into one, win at all costs.
- Pick the issue carefully. Whenever a control battle is lost, it’s
because the issue was not chosen carefully.
Choices Change Everything
Winnable war is waged through choices, not demands. Choices change
the entire complexion of the control struggle. They allow us to give away
the control we don’t need and gain the control we do. With choices, kids
have no demands to react against, and the control we need is established.
One parent said, “As soon as I give my three-year-old a choice,
everything changes. It works every time. I see a complete personality
change in Gabrielle when she has a choice — when I change my words
from fighting words to thinking words. I’m still setting the limit, and I’m
still getting what I want, but I’m eliminating the fighting.”
Why Choices Work
One reason choices work is that they create situations in which children
are forced to think. Kids are given options to ponder, courses of action to
choose. They must decide. Second, choices provide opportunities for
children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. With every
wrong choice the children make, the punishment comes not from us but
from the world around them. Then children don’t get angry at us; they get