angry at themselves.
Another reason choices work is because they help us avoid getting into
control battles with our children. Finally, choices provide our children
with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, thus
building their self-confidence and the relationship between us and them.
Dealing with choices and being held responsible for their own
decisions prepare youngsters for the lifetime of decision making that
awaits them in adulthood. However, parents should offer choices only
when they are willing to ensure that their children are forced to live with
the consequences.
Picking Fights and Losing Battles
Are some kids born stubborn, or do they become that way as a result of
the way they are raised? Well, the answer is yes. Some children, as a
condition of inborn temperament, are less cooperative and more prone to
resisting being told what to do. And some kids, as a result of how they are
raised, become more and more defiant and stubborn as they grow older.
The question is, “Is there a way we can get better cooperation from our
kids regardless of how strong-willed they were born?” Yes, there is a
way. A small change in the way we talk can result in much better
cooperation, fewer fights, fewer temper tantrums, less need for
disciplinary action, less hate, and more loving relationships. Great bosses
and leaders rely on what we are about to talk about. Great teachers use
this technique every day.
Don’t Set Yourself Up to Lose
Let’s work backward on this. We will study a situation in which a teacher
creates a minor disaster in her classroom. Her attempts to control a
situation result in a blowup by the student, creating a need for other
professionals to be involved. Then we will look at how this could have
been avoided in the first place. Once we have done this, we will take a
look at the use of this technique in our own homes with our own children:
TEACHER: (speaking from across the room) “Megan, why are you