- Martyrdom: “I never get anything!”
Martyr-like testing tactics are a perennial favorite of children. When
using martyrdom, the child may indicate that his life has become
totally unfair and an incredible burden. “No one around here loves me
anymore,” “I never get anything,” or “You like her more than me” are
examples.
Or the child may actually do something that has a self-punitive,
self-denying flavor, such as not eating dinner, sitting in the closet for
an hour, or staring out the window without talking. Crying, pouting,
and simply looking sad or teary can also be useful manipulative
devices.
The goal of martyrdom, obviously, is to make the parent feel
guilty, and martyrdom can be surprisingly effective. This testing
tactic is very difficult for adults to handle. Many moms and dads
seem to have a guilt button the size of the state of Wyoming! All the
kids have to do is push that button and they wind up running the
house.
Children learn early on that parents are highly invested in the
welfare of their offspring. Kids know their caregivers want them to be
safe, happy, and healthy. Unfortunately, kids also seem to naturally
appreciate the logical consequence of this adult commitment. Acting
hurt or deprived can be a powerful way of influencing adult behavior.
Two-year-olds, for example, will sometimes hold their breath until
they turn blue when they are mad about not getting what they want.
Many parents wonder how a child could even come up with an idea
like that. One creative child, whose mother had just sent her to her
bedroom, was heard yelling out her window, “I can’t breathe! I can’t
breathe!” This tactic may have been creative, but it was not effective. - Butter Up: “You’re the nicest dad in the world!”
The fifth tactic, butter up, takes an approach that’s different from the
first four. Instead of making you feel uncomfortable, the child tries to
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