What’s the problem here? Ninety percent of the time the problem
is that the parents “forgot” the No Talking and No Emotion Rules.
Adults can slip up like this without even being aware of it. Remember
our four-year-old tantrum artist and the electronic device? Here’s how
that scene might sound if the parent is unwittingly talking too much
and getting too excited while attempting to count the child’s outburst:
“That’s 1. Come on now, I’m getting a little tired of this. Why
can’t you do one little thing for us—Look at me when I’m talking to
you, young man! OK, that’s 2. One more and you’re going to your
room, do you hear me? I’m sick and tired of you whining and fussing
over every little thing you can’t have. One more and that’s it. Your
sister never behaves this way... Your father’s coming home in half an
hour! OK, enough! That’s 3. Take five. BEAT IT! OUT OF MY
SIGHT!”
What was that? That was a parental temper tantrum. Now we have
two tantrums going on in the same kitchen. This adult’s outburst was
not the 1-2-3 program at all. What’s wrong with what this angry
parent just did? Three things.
If you do “communicate” like this parent just did, what you are
really saying is simply this: “Let’s fight!” And you don’t have to have
a kid with ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) or ODD
(oppositional defiant disorder) or CD (conduct disorder)—you’re still
going to get a fight. Plenty of kids would rather cut off their left leg
than lose a good battle of words. Unwise attempts at talking or
persuading are guaranteed to take a child’s focus off the possibility of
good behavior and put it on the prospect of an enjoyable and energetic
argument.
Second, many difficult children do have ADHD. That doesn’t
mean they don’t get enough attention. It means they can’t pay
attention. Faced with that huge mass of adult words, how is an ADHD
child—or any other child, for that matter—supposed to pick out the
most important parts, which are the counts or warnings? He can’t.
marcin
(Marcin)
#1